You know, I never really thought I’d have to give a run down on how to put together America’s favorite before 8am cocktail…but recently I’ve had so many shitty fucking Mary’s that I might slap a bitch. It’s simple really, a little V8, not tomato juice that shits for idiots and people over 100 years old, a little vodka, and a few other key ingredients.
So here’s the rundown for all of you morons who keep fucking up my Sunday and Wednesday and Friday and Tuesday and Saturday and Monday morning.
Gather all your basic shit, V8, horseradish, pepper, Worcestershire, lemon. That’s all it really takes folks, keep your freeze packed previously frozen shrimp and lime wedge the fuck out of my glass.
Wet your the rim of your glass, and hit that shit with some celery salt or whatever you want.
Add a few shots of your bottom shelf vodka you cheap fuck.
Hit that with some lemon juice.
Sprinkle some black pepper in that shit
Try a few drops of liquid smoke, change the game, don’t let the game change you rookie.
Throw some garlic powder in there because who doesn’t like to have shit breath at 6:45am.
Couple dashes of worchestershire sauce. I left spell check right the fuck outta that one right there.
Hit that shit with a dash of hot sauce, if you’re boss like me you have a jug of your own shit as a secret weapon.
Next add a big ol’ scoop of horseradish.
Fill the rest of the glass with V8 and ice player and mix that shit up.
Garnish the fuck out of it with peppers or pickles or bacon or a steak or a fuckin cheeseburger.
Next time you’re cruising the hash-tag super highway, toss Bloody Mary on there for some fuckin inspiration, and anyone throwing up a garbage looking mary, let your fuckin new knowledge shine.