Gluten free.

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You ever hear about someone in a 3rd world country being gluten free? Vegan? On a Paleo Diet? Fuck no. Those motherfuckers would love some gluten. I ask for extra sides of gluten when I’m out. If I had the cash flow i’d fly to one of these places every day just to cook greasy burgers for everyone.

Paleo diet. No one wants to eat like a fucking caveman. No burgers, burritos, or cheesecake back then, so piss off with that.

I guess I can understand the whole vegan thing. I love me a salad…topped with every deli meat available and drowned in a high fat content fuckin oily ass dressing.

Here we are, the year 2013, talkin about “I can’t eat gluten because it makes me groggy and makes my little head all fuzzy.”

I got some news for ya…thats what food is supposed to fuckin do to you . When’s the last time you ate food with someone and they were like “shit…I could go for some burpees and a few tire flips after that meal”

NEVER.

You eat your shitty food, flop on the couch and watch catfish, and get up 30 minutes later to stuff another helping of food in your mouth. That’s the way of the world.

These gluten people are like a plague. Taking over the internet and food joints with their hog wash. Gluten free menu, gluten free recipes, fuck that shit.

I do realize there is a small percentage of people who actually do get really fuckin sick from gluten, and that sucks, SillyAss disease or something, and I’m sorry, but go eat a salad and be miserable.

I tried to do some gluten free shit once, and I ain’t proud of it. My girl was giving it a whack and I wanted to be supportive, because that’s the kind of go-hard I am.
Shit sucked. Never been more miserable in my life. With very bite I took of some gluten free food, I fell deeper and deeper into a depressive and suicidal state. Until I bounced back with a few burgers and loaded baked potato.

Let’s just hope these Glutties and the Paleo cult don’t team up and start brainstorming, I don’t need McDonalds to start serving chickpea burgers with fuckin rice cake ketchup.

16 thoughts on “Gluten free.”

  1. Haha!! This post made me laugh out loud while sitting alone in my living room. I feel like a bit of a nut case, laughing to myself and all, nonetheless brilliant post! Thanks for chuckle, really needed it today.

  2. I’d agree with the whole tasteless, handwoven bean and pumpkin commercial GF crap, except that I’m celiac, and gluten increases my chances of bowel cancer by 60% and the shitting and vomiting are almost instantaneous after I eat any, so I don’t eat GF out of some trendy righteousness. GF doesn’t HAVE to mean disgusting or miserable. Good home cooking is the go – I make a shit hot loaded pizza and you can’t tell it’s GF. And yes, I can and do eat at McD’s. Sausage & egg McMuffin, with two hash browns instead of the muffin. Yummmmmm! Otherwise, HAVING to eat GF when I’m out sucks and I suffer from terminal doughnut/meat pie/fries/pasta envy.

  3. Decent blog, I came here from Americandigest.org. This post made me think of the sort of chain restaurant I would open if someone I knew had money to waste and foolishly invested it in any of my ideas. It would be called ‘Enemies’, and would feature a menu devoted to the Atkins diet, and one devoted to Veganism.

  4. This made me laugh so hard… My boyfriend looked at me like I was crazy and said “this is like when I read you stuff from the internet and you look at me like I’m crazy.”

    When’s the last time you ate food with someone and they were like “shit…I could go for some burpees and a few tire flips after that meal”

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