The 10 grocery store commandments

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As someone who is at grocery stores multiple times a week, I tend to see a lot of asshole fueled shenanigans. It seems that everyone who goes to the grocery store to do some shopping is either a first timer…or a fucking moron. The task of putting food into a cart while moving flawlessly down isles and paying for your food, is not rocket science. Some of you need to be fitted with a fucking helmet. Here’s a list of commandments that all grocery store participants should be following.

1. Thou shall help with the bagging of the groceries

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See this way too much. Bagger is occupied at another station, or there isn’t one. So what does a person do? Let your cashier ring out all of YOUR shitty groceries…then bag them all up for you while you stand there like a fuckin turd? Fuck off. Get off your high horse, get to the end of the belt, and bag like you’ve never bagged before.

2. Thou shall not stop at the exit to go over your fucking receipt.

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Human roadblock. This shit is annoying. Usually old ass people are guilty of this one. They stop dead right in the breakout lane, and read their reciept like its a fuckin Shel Silverstien book. What the fuck could be so important on that piece of paper that you need to throw on the breaks right as you walk out the door? Nothing. There is nothing on that paper that is that important. You’re an asshole.

3. Thou shall not leave your cart in an empty parking spot.

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Lazy pile of shit. I consider myself to be a shopping cart go hard. I like to take a quick little test stroll before I do some shopping. Make sure the wheels are alright with no hidden squeaks and shit. What i don’t like is rolling into a parking spot and pulling up to an abandoned cart. Im such a hardo 9 times out of 10, I walk my cart right back into the store just because thats the kind of guy I am.

4. Thou shall leave ones old ass relative at the nursing home.

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Don’t bring your 150 year old mother to the fuckin grocery store. These people are the worst. You think they’re bad drivers in cars? Fuck, give one of these dinosaurs a shopping cart and its game over. Crashing into people, shelves, and t-bone parking in the middle of an isle while they wander off to the fuck-off factory, fuck me. Next time you get swindled into bringing one of these fossils out in public, do yourself a favor and leave them in the car with the windows up.

5. Thou shall operate ones cart in good form.

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Just like on our road systems here folks. Stick to the right. If you come gunnin’ down the middle like a fuckin linebacker, and clip my cart, we’re gonna have a go. Theres no need to do a 180 half way down a jam packed isle and almost catch me with a head on. The isle isn’t a dead end. Up one, down the other. If you fuck up come back for round two.

6. Thou shall obey the express line rules.

10 items or less. 20 items or less. What the fuck. Since when is 10 and 20 items express? Express is you, the cashier, a can of chickpeas, and a dollar. Not fuckin eggs, milk, detergent, 4 bags of dog food, a soda, and two turkeys.

7. Thou shall show checkout line courtesy.

If you pull up behind me in the checkout line, first thing I’m doin’ is throwin the grocery separation shaft up. Common courtesy. If we get to the line at the same time and you’ve got a cart chalk full of bullshit, and all I have in my hands is  an avocado and some condensed milk, and you don’t give me the ol’ “Oh you only have a few things, go right ahead”, we’re gonna have a huge problem. There is a good chance you or your groceries ain’t makin’ it home.

8. Thou shall not stand in the middle of the isle lost in fuck tard land.

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What the fuck is this? How many time will I see this bullshit? Some juggernaut standing in the middle of an isle, looking at pasta and shit, lights are on but no ones fucking home. Where are you people going in your head, that you lose continence and any type of motor skills? I carry smelling salts on the full time now because of helmet heads like this.

9. Thou shall shutish the fuck up.

The grocery store is not a fucking chat room. Get in, get your groceries, and get out. Ya a few “Hi how r ya’s” here and there don’t hurt. A gossip session in the middle of the cereal isle is uncalled for. No one cares about your kids soccer game or your wife’s tupperware party.

10. Thou shall move the fuck outta my way when you see me commin’.

Im commin’ in hot mother fuckers. You see a half-drunk Canadian with a shitty mustache and a denim vest commin’ down the isle like a freight train, you back the fuck up and get outta’ the way. Protect the women and children, cuz one of those mother fuckers crosses me… I’m running em’ down.

21 thoughts on “The 10 grocery store commandments”

  1. You forgot the one where the person behind you in the checkout line pushes their cart up so far that you can’t get to the credit/debit card machine after you’ve finished bagging your stuff. Personal space, please!

  2. I’d add a couple more: woe to the person who whaps me in butt in the checkout line while they are looking at the magazines, and those who let their kids run rampant with the grocery carts! But I agree with your 10 as well!

  3. Honey, you need deliveries. I do most of those things in the supermarket but we have an online option so you can shop in your pj’s and make the food come to you. So I’m part of the problem but I also the solution. I don’t ever go grocery 🙂

  4. This is awesome. I go through the grocery store muttering these things the entire time. I mean, seriously. Get out of my way!

  5. The 10 items or less really gets to me. You make no mention of family fights,children throwing tantrums. There is a theory that some families only go to supermarkets to beat each other up. And people phoning home to discuss what sort of tomatoes they want. As if it matters!

  6. Brilliant. You left one out though. One shall not wait for someone to load $500 worth if groceries then put their cart away all whilst holding up the flow of traffic in the parking lot all so you lazy ass doesn’t gave to walk 10 extra feet into the store. Move one.

  7. At then end of the check-out you know you must pay for all the shit you bought. Be ready to hand over the cash! Don’t begin to look in your purse / wallet like you were surprised and fumble for your money. Pay and GTFO.

  8. The same thing happens at Lowes and Home Depot…..I go to the plumbing/hardware/electrical dept to look for an item (no one within a mile). All of a sudden I have a person practically on my shoulder looking for the same item as me and the rest of the store is empty! They reach in with their hand to grab the one that I wanted!
    I usually drop something heavy on the floor by ‘accident’ to let them know I was here first!!
    Do these ()$&@? idiots lay in wait on the shelves in my area just to piss me off?

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