I’m no Myron Mixon when it comes to BBQ, but fast food and BBQ are two words that should not be buddied up. Granted most of this shit is not “BBQ”, mostly they just have shitty BBQ sauce slathered on. Last time I checked, putting BBQ sauce on a shitty piece of food didn’t make it BBQ, it made it a pile of hack job shit. A real BBQ pioneer spends years mastering their craft. All those years of perfecting rubs, sauces, and methods. Then some asshole comes along with a bottle of Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, slathers it on a rack of ribs and calls it fuckin Que’.
The question is…whose doing it the best? Whose the real fuckin’ cowboy here? That’s what we’re here to find out.
BK’s pulled pork
Well to start off I did the unthinkable with this pile of shit. I popped the top off this bitch to take a look. This so called “pulled pork” resembled something of a shower drain hair pile that all of us are familiar with. You try to clear the drain with your toe, and this shit just wraps itself around you and never let’s go. The one way this shit sandwich might have been saved, is with a good BBQ sauce. However, the shit tastes like a brown sugar loaded ketchup factory. The best thing you can do with this sandwich is go buy one, and then throw it away.
McDonalds BBQ ranch burger
Here’s a real pile of shit. You know what’s good about Fritos/tortilla strips? Not a fuckin’ thing. Fritos belong on the top shelf of a vending machine, untouched. The snack of drunks and old fucks around the globe. To actually take these shitty strips and put them onto a even shittier burger, is something I like to call…fucktarded. Something so fucked that its actually retarded and requires a helmet. To top it off, it’s covered with some sort of shitty ass BBQ ranch combination sauce. The one good thing about mixing BBQ sauce and ranch dressing…is not a fuckin’ thing. Both of these condiments need to be kept at opposite ends of the condiment school yard.
The McRib. (Photo cred @anitas_bliss)
We can’t discuss fast food and BBQ without mentioning the king of all things fast and barbecued. The Mc-mother-fuckin’-rib. You know what I love about the McRib? Everything. From the over powering processed meat flavor to the fact that it attempts to resemble an actual rack of ribs. It’s the same shit they used to pass off in school as BBQ rib in the lunchroom. If it was rib day at school, you can bet im gettin four orders and 2 chocolate the fuck mills. BK actually challenges the McRib with the recent release of their riblet sandwich or some shit. I can’t say I’m surprised. All BK does is jerk the McD dick of all their menu items.
Wendy’s chili (I don’t know where my fucking picture went but whatever the fuck ever)
I felt like I had to throw Wendy’s in the mix. I know their chili isn’t a BBQ sandwich like the rest, but fuck it. There are so many terrible chili’s out there, most of you could take a lesson from Dave Thomas (RIP you fast food baked potato lovin’ mother fucker). Chili is meat, spices, peppers, some beans, onions, and heat. That’s all. Chili is not vegan fucking tofu. Chili is not turkey and a white bean fuck pot. That shit would make Paul Bunyan flip his fuckin’ wig. Wendy’s chili has plenty of flavor. It’s a little soupy for my liking but who gives a shit. I’m just gonna dip my Jr. Bacon cheese in that bitch anyways. There isn’t much more to be said about Wendy’s chili. They’ve got a good thing going on over there. As long as they don’t introduce some sort of shitty vegan or gluten free chili to the menu, ill fuckin’ back them.
Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket.
When I waltzed into Arby’s to destroy this fuckin’ thing I noticed a few things. One was didn’t smell any smoke, and two I didn’t see any smoke. So how the fuck is there smoked brisket? Was this going to be some sort of meat slab that had bathed in a tub of liquid smoke? Regardless I was there to handle business. When I received this brisket sandwich the first thing I noticed was the fact that it was big as fuck. Upon further investigation, there was actually some decent meat on here. Real smoke ring. Real char. A nice slice of smoked Gouda. Some crispy ass onion rings. I was sold. I even tossed some of Arby’s horsey sauce on that bitch because who gives a flying fuck. What we have here is BBQ fast food done right.
So whose doing it the best? My list is as follows:
1. Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket. Big ass beefy meaty smokey sandwich. Fuck yeah
2. Wendy’s chili. Tons of flavor, a win every fuckin’ time
3. McDonalds McRib. Say what you want, the McRib is great. Probably would have taken the win if Arby’s wasn’t so on point.
4. Tie for last place. BK’s pulled shit sandwich and McDonalds Fritos fuck fest. Fuck both these sandwiches.