15 BEST FOODS WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK
The official unofficial official list of all the magical drunk as fuck foods. The shit that makes your alcohol poisoned heart race like Casey Anthony in a nursery.
(all the pictures in this thread…fuckin’ Google owns or some shit)
1-The Gas Station Hot Dog
Like a drunken hot dog patriarch (not really sure if that makes sense, but fuck it.). Soggy bun in one hand, hot dog that’s been rolling in place for forty minutes or four weeks in the other. You’re ready to have the best worst thing in your fuckin’ life. A good dog is a good dog, but a shitty dog is a good dog when it’s loaded with shitty toppings.
2-The Ramen Noodle
The orange glow of this noodle cracker filled package is enough to sweep you off your drunken feet. Ramen tops out at about a 4 minute microwave cook time. This is good because you’re a drunk fool and the last thing you should be doing is operating a pot of boiling fuckin’ water. Hot ramen, flavor packet, hot sauce, and cheese because well, let’s face it…you’re a drunk pile of shit.
3-The Sausage Cart Guy
There is one in every town. A man whose tube meat handling abilities make Ron Jeremy look like Ellen Degeneres. His bait, a mountain of steaming peppers and onions, has been known to pull in customers from up to 2.6 miles away. Weather has no meaning to this guy. He’s everywhere, every time, all the time. Cheers meat man.
4-Mystery To-Go Box
This shit could be some left over Car side to-go, dirty Chinese rice with generals chicken, or some leftover breakfast because some people are fuckin’ shitty enough to need a to-go box for eggs. The most important thing about this fuckin’ mystery meal is that it’s probably not yours and you’re probably going to eat it out of the box with your grubby mitts.
5-The Frozen Pizza
By the time this fuckin’ thing is ready you’ve snacked your way through the kitchen and are now probably full. Stouffer’s, DiGiorno’s, it doesn’t matter. You’re about to endeavor on the longest 40-45 minutes frozen or 30-35 minutes thawed of your pathetic fuckin’ life.
–Kevin James “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”
Not something you can eat, but not bad when you’re shit housed.
6-The Family Party Food Spread
This shit on this table has generally been sitting out for a solid 14 hours. But like Deion Sanders on a punt return, you grab a grape and head for the finger sandwich fuckin end zone. With little or no regard for sanitary methods, your filthy fuckin’ mitts become a serve all spoon-tong combo. Drink in one hand, arsenal of food in the other. You are forever a food line train wreck.
7-The Fast Food Drive Through
After a long night of drinking, the only thing you should be concerned with is a long drunk drive behind the wheel of a car across town to stuff your fat fuckin’ face. At the time, you are unable to be reasoned with. You want a #7, they don’t serve that shit past 12am. You want coke, they have Pepsi. You stuff your face regardless. Congratulations, you’ve filled your next day with a stomach ache and fuckin’ regret.
8-Sliced Deli Cheese
After a long night of crushing CL Smoothes and Busch Lattes, the only way to hold onto any dignity is to lay on the kitchen floor with half a pound of L.O.L. Cheese. You have to fold the cheese twice into little fuckin’ squares, because cheese always tastes better folded.
Whose drunk and doesn’t need a bowl? You mother fucker. Spoon swan dive into a half gallon of Chunky Monkey. One of the few foods where it’s acceptable to try and carry on a conversation with someone. Even with an ice cream tsunami rolling down your fat fuckin chin.
Because nothing says I’m fucked up like a greasy hand and a pant leg for a napkin.
A motherland super food. Fries, curd, gravy, and choice toppings. One of the most health conscious choices, as it covers all basic food groups.
What i have done below, is created an over elaborate and completely useless poutine food pyramid to show the health benefits that poutine has to offer.
I’m not talking about Lucky and his crew of Irish orphan misfit marshmallow chasing losers. I’m talking about eggs, bacon, toast, and home fries. Generally served up by someone with little or no formal education. A person who in a few years will be replaced by a robot or a iPod Nano. Nothing says you’re drunk like a classic beginning of the day meal, at the end of your day.
13-The Food Pile
Two hot dogs, a scoop of spaghetti, four slices of ham, and a vanilla wafer. Because you give zero fucks. The best meals are impulse meals, it’s a proven fact. Grab the first four things you see and plate the fuck out of that shit. **The food will always taste better microwaved on a paper plate**
Doesn’t matter if you drink one or ten of these fuckers. These will not prevent or cure a hangover, but we still go for them and how could we not? ELECTROLYTES. The word alone sounds like a cure for the common hangover…but don’t be fooled, this shit don’t work. You know what does work for a hangover? Another fuckin’ drink. Which brings us to #15.
The only thing that needs to be in your mouth when you’re drunk, is another drink you fuckin’ party animal.
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