They say you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear or the car they drive. Or some stupid shit like that. You want to really get to know a person? Follow another food asshole in a food environment. You’ll get a magical first hand look at just how fucked some idiots are. The world is jam packed with food idiots looking to turn your food endeavor into a real fuck of a time.
The Last Slice Loser
We all know one. I understand someone has to have the last slice but fuck this dude. The last slice bandit 9 times out of 10 is the first person to the pizza when it arrives. Another signature move of this cheese addicted think for them selfer is to grab 7+ slices right out of the gate, back at the pizza box for seconds before some have even had a first helping. The kind of shit stain that shows up to a picnic with Tupperware and an empty bag. Scum of the earth.
–guy who doesn’t want to throw down on food because he only “wants like a slice or something”
The Cereal Killer
One of the most hated food problem creators of all time. This is the person who almost gets to the finish line of a bag of chips and decides back on the shelf is where the half a fuckin’ bite belongs. The biggest problem with this two pump chump is they give you a false sense of hope. You see a bag of chips and get all jacked up to polish some off, only to find a dusting wedged in the fuckin’ corner. Fuck this guy.
-guy who leaves that last shitty looking pickle in the jar
The Leftover MacGyver
A professional asshole right here. There is no Tupperware or to go box too odd for this cocksucker. Too lazy to move a few things around or put leftovers in a container. This prick usually strikes with full force. With signature moves like “meatloaf balance on the milk” and “pizza box refrigerator crowd surf”. Every move this fool makes makesit that much harder for the next idiot trying to mastermind some leftover quiche into the fridge like a fuckin’ brain teaser.
-guy who keeps stacking shit on a full fuckin’ trash
You’ve seen this difficult Debbie before. Plate of food, a place for everything and everything in its place. Chicken can’t touch the brocolli, bangers can’t touch the mash. The type of person who grew up in a house where multiple members if the family had asthma, and were allergic to bees and peanuts. A real food sissy.
-Anyone who is a Rachael Ray fan
The Horse Mouth
The worst of the worst. Simultaneously chomping on food while hum-breathing out of their fuckin’ beak. Apparently, the best time for this cocksucker to tell a story is with a mouth full of garbage. It’s really not a difficult task. Stick some food in your mouth, lock your lips together, chew, and swallow. I don’t want to sit there and hear a story from you with spaghetti packed under your upper lip and a pasta tsunami rolling down your fat fuckin’ face. If you personally know one if these types, I’d like to ask you to hunt down their mother and slap the royal shit out of her.
-Guy who sucks his fingers dry at the table
-People whose burps smell like kielbasa even though they haven’t been fuckin’ eating any
The Executive Home Chef
Like a Food Network ninja, this asshole knows it all. This hard ass shows up to your house and tells you how to butter your fuckin’ bread. The most common season for this Bobby Flay fan boy to show up is around the holidays. Shows up to your pad, eats your deviled eggs, sits on the couch and tells you how to bake a turkey. I know a little bit about cooking so you know what I do when I show up for the holidays? I sit my stupid drunk Canadian ass down, suck down Bloody Mary’s, and shut my fat mouth unless someone asks for a hand.
-Couple that brings the same dish to every party and thinks everyone loves it, but no one fuckin’ does.
The soup is too hot and the ice is too cold. Let’s sit at a booth instead of a table. This prick cannot be pleased. The kind of idiot who could have the best steak in the world and dip that shit in a A1-Ketchup swimming pool. A real big issue with this fool is that they will actually try to drop some knowledge on you about how something should be cooked. The type of person who will tell you Chili’s has the best ribs around. A Rachael Ray go hard all fuckin’ day.
-Girl who doesn’t know if she should bring her jacket into the restaurant.
-Guy who always needs to “hit the ATM” before you get to the restaurant.
Nothing really to talk about here. If you have a friend who is vegan, you no longer have a friend.
-People who think kale is fuckin’ good
The Over the Top Food Creator
You show up to a party with a shitty spinach dip, this person shows up with something that looks like it’s off the front page of fuckin’ Pinterest. Now there’s nothin’ wrong with some good lookin’ snacks, but them good lookin’ snacks got you lookin’ like the good lookin’ prick of the party.
-Girl who always brings Jell-O shots
-Guy that wants to play flip cup on your dinner the fuck table.
One if the most hated words in the world right now. A person who refers to themselves as a foodie for the most part had no real culinary education, but will speak to you like they’re Michael fuckin’ Symon. You can spot one of these types often taking pictures of everything they eat. From crushed ice to tomato soup there is no food that isn’t worth a picture to this idiot. Using words such as “pallet”, “back end”, and hash tagging the absolute shit out of everything they eat with things like #chefstatus and #nomnoms. Should be #shitstatus and #fuckoffs.
-Guy who worked in a restaurant washing dishes and thinks he’s Alton fuckin’ Brown
-Wife who baked chicken with Mrs. Dash all over it and things she’s wife of the god damn year.