Work for most of us is the least desirable and most annoying place to try and eat a simple fucking meal. As soon as you walk into your work break room shit hits the fuckin’ dick fan. Break rooms are full of “Break Room Celebrities”. Individuals famous for stupid fucking stunts they constantly pull in the break room.
I love to eat. It’s relaxing. I don’t have to think about shit other than the food I’m sucking down. We working class folk don’t have the ability to go out for a bite like those who have brown nosed their way to “the top”. We look forward to the 20-30 minutes we get to eat leftovers from a tupperware and not think about a lick of dick….but 90% of the time that gets shit on by a number of Break Room Celebrities.
The “watcha’ got their?! Guy
This guy comes steam rolling into the break room fat gut hanging out the bottom of his work shirt, hovers over you and asks “ooooo whatcha’ eatin’ there?!?!?” You don’t even have to be eating something exotic. Cheese pizza. Pasta. This juggernaut usually closes with some sort of story about how he cooks that same exact meal. Fuck you pal.
Mr. Fish in the microwave
The worst right here. If you couldn’t finish your seafood the night before you’re a pussy. It’s fish just fucking eat it. There is nothing about doing this that smells good and if you do this you’re a cunt. Really didn’t want to take it to this level but I had to. Cunt.
Unless you work for Brazzers or YouJizz.com, no one wants to hear about how your fuckin’ day at work is going. We get it. Everyone’s an asshole and you’re the best. I’m not sure how this goes down at other places of employment, but at my shop it’s a lot of this guys an asshole that guys an asshole. Guess what? You’re both assholes and should just kill each other at the same time. Let me eat my hot pocket. I don’t care how good you can push a button or type on a keyboard. Fuck you.
Mr. Try This, Try That
For the last time dude I don’t want to try a slice of your bitch wife’s shitty dry overcooked pork loin smothered with Sweet Baby Rays. Your wife is a dick head and her cooking tastes like she wears a dick helmet.
Mr. Bug you while you’re just trying to fucking eat
Have you ever had the break room to yourself and enjoyed it? No you fucking haven’t because someone is going to stroll in as you’re heating up your chicken and wild rice and tell you about his shitty little family. Fuck you and fuck your shitty kids. They always seem to start mid sentence too. “Yeah I did get the loan”. The fuck bro? Can’t you see I’m eating a reheated Big Mac? Shut your asshole of a mouth.
Mr. Tell you about his meal but you didn’t fuckin’ ask
“Oh man I got these country ribs that I got from Prite Rite because they were on sale when I was there on sunday. I took them home seared them on all sides with some garlic salt and pepper and stuck them in the oven with some root beer and baked them at 325 for 3 hours…pulled them out it melted in your mouth”. Yeah that’s great thanks for all those details about a food I don’t give a fuck about and hope you choke on. I ain’t even gonna call for medical help.
The Microwave Slut
There are 4 microwaves in my break room. If you use two at a time go fuck yourself. Do you have some sort of temperature preference or some stupid shit? You need your foods at different temps to eat them? I don’t fuckin’ think so. If your shit spills all up in that bitch clean it the fuck up. You’re an adult not a fuckin’ toddler.
Mr. Oh you’re eating a salad, are you on a diet?
Mother fucker salad is delicious. I have to be on a diet to eat a salad? Did you see my salad? 4 lbs of deli meat, 3 lbs of cheese, and half a bottle of motor oil. Yeah I’m trying to fuckin’ lose weight. Fuck off and eat your egg noodles in pasta sauce fat fuck.
The Lunch Thief
This. Shit. Will. Fuck. You. Up. You go to grab your lunch. BAM! Fuckin’ gone bro. Now you’re fuckin heated. Your lunch only gets stolen when you’re looking forward to that shit. When you have some leftover tequila lime chicken and boneless wings from Applebee’s or some shit. The most fucked up shit about this fool, is that now you’re thinking about doing the same thing because now you have no lunch. Fuckin’ dog eat dog world.
Mr. Look to see whose in the break room
Like some sort of unspoken cafeteria monitor. Always looking, checking to see whose eating. A professional shit talker. Always bent out of shape because someone is constantly in the break room. Sometimes you just have to ride the work day out in the break room snackin’ on fuckin’ gold fish crackers.
FUCK WORK AND FUCK THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO EAT WITH AT WORK