Woman Arrested for Pleasuring Herself With Johnsonville Sausage at Walmart

According to News 8 Louisiana, 33 year old Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for pleasuring herself with meat in tube form in a Walmart bathroom.

A Walmart employee grew suspicious of the woman after seeing her meander around the meat section for far too fucking long. The Walmart employee then radioed the door greater, and a female cashier with a mustache for some backup.

The security cameras then show Shaniqua vanish to the rear bathroom where she remained for 30 minutes. The door greater radioed the retired postal worker that drives the security edition Ford Focus aimlessly around the fucking parking lot for more backup.

With the crew of flunkies now gathered outside the bathroom door, the decision was made that the female cashier would enter the bathroom to further investigate. Upon entering, Madame Mustache reported that she witnessed Ms. Johnson “beating that pussy up with a big fuckin’ tube of the Johnsonville Sausage…and with the stall door wide open”


It’s like she didn’t even care I was in there. It’s almost as if she enjoyed it. She gave me that look that your dog gives you when it’s dragging its ass across your fucking living room carpet. It was really strange. The bathroom had that weird smell, like when you’re fucking someone, and someone smells like they’ve been wiping side to side, but neither one of you know who it is. It was just a really weird experience.

Ms. Johnson was eventually taken into custody by the local authorities, and charged with indecent exposure, and damage to property valued over $6.50.

When asked, a toothless Caucasian Walmart spokesperson had the following to say:

I dunno man. It be cray. These ain’t the type of cats we most generally have doin’ they shoppin’ hurr. Dis the typa shit you ‘spect to hear happenin’ at like a fuckin’ k-Mart or some shit. Yo wuddup to my baby gurl, luh you gurl. I got them TGI Fridays potato skins tonight gurl. And wuddup to my brothers TiTi and BoobBoo, we gon’ get dat money and get momma that fat removing surgery fam

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