The Polish Wet Dream Burger (Gołąbki Burger)

Gather ’round the cabbage tree, folks.

When it comes to the Polish there’s not much to be said. Their women age like rotting fruit. Their food is some strange anomaly where’s it’s terrible and delicious at the same time. And if history has taught us anything it’s that it takes 3 Polish cunts to change a lightbulb – one to hold the bulb and two to spin the ladder.

Most of the Polish foods I’m familiar with were made terribly and also made by white women in their 40’s. Between that and a few small local pierogi shops my pallet for Polish food is about as uneducated as the Polish themselves, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spear-head our way into ruining Polish cuisine with a heavy helping of fucking America.

In America we have a tenancy to burg-the-fuck out of things that weren’t really meant to be burged-the-fuck out of. We’ve got burgers with ramen buns. Burgers between donuts. Burger burritos. Pierogi burgers and now more importantly – golumpki burgers.

For those of you living under some strange anti polish rock a golumpki (Gołąbki) is a meat & rice stuffed cabbage roll smothered in a light tomato sauce. When you break it down it’s basically the Polish version of sushi. Only without fish. And less rice. And you don’t really need any sort of training to roll one of these fuckers up.

All you need to do to turn the classic log-looking golumpki into a more modern looking burger patty is form that shit in some sort of circular mold. Smother with tomato sauce, bake, and serve up between a couple of buns with some room temperature cheese (it fucking tastes better when it’s room temperature)

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