The Polish Wet Dream Burger (Gołąbki Burger)

Gather ’round the cabbage tree, folks.

When it comes to the Polish there’s not much to be said. Their women age like rotting fruit. Their food is some strange anomaly where’s it’s terrible and delicious at the same time. And if history has taught us anything it’s that it takes 3 Polish cunts to change a lightbulb – one to hold the bulb and two to spin the ladder.

Most of the Polish foods I’m familiar with were made terribly and also made by white women in their 40’s. Between that and a few small local pierogi shops my pallet for Polish food is about as uneducated as the Polish themselves, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spear-head our way into ruining Polish cuisine with a heavy helping of fucking America.

In America we have a tenancy to burg-the-fuck out of things that weren’t really meant to be burged-the-fuck out of. We’ve got burgers with ramen buns. Burgers between donuts. Burger burritos. Pierogi burgers and now more importantly – golumpki burgers.

For those of you living under some strange anti polish rock a golumpki (Gołąbki) is a meat & rice stuffed cabbage roll smothered in a light tomato sauce. When you break it down it’s basically the Polish version of sushi. Only without fish. And less rice. And you don’t really need any sort of training to roll one of these fuckers up.

All you need to do to turn the classic log-looking golumpki into a more modern looking burger patty is form that shit in some sort of circular mold. Smother with tomato sauce, bake, and serve up between a couple of buns with some room temperature cheese (it fucking tastes better when it’s room temperature)

French Fry Bun’d Burger

When life gives you the option to have regular burger buns or burger buns made out of french fries & cheese you always choose buns made out of french fries & cheese.

I was recently asked to check out the movie COOK OFF! (in theaters & On Demand November 17, 2017) and create something inspired from the movie.

The movie is basically a misfit cooking competition. Less than amateur cooks from all around the country are gathered for a cooking competition and the chance to win 1 MILLION DOLLARS. There’s a pie with chunks of lemon and lime. There’s some sort of marshmallow soup amongst other tragic looking creations.

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The introduction to the movie is a parody of what any Facebook food recipe page looks like. There’s a Spaghetti O’s Jello. Some sort of meat and cheese casserole, as well as a burger and fry bake – which is where the inspiration for this recipe came from.

The first step is to mix cooked french fries with shredded cheese and a few eggs. Once well blended you’re going to pack them into a greased pie pan and bake at 450° for 25 minutes.

Let the ‘buns’ cool for a bit before removing them from the pan.

That’s pretty much it as far this recipe is really concerned. All you really have left to do is build a massive burger. Extra large burger patties, tons of tomatoes, pickles & a whole pound of bacon should do you well.

French Onion Soup Burger

So there’s a video floating around of a woman who places a chocolate cake on the counter and proceeds to….you know what, never mind.

There’s also this other video floating around of a french onion soup burger. The thing is legit. They went all out with it. Cheese. Carmelized onions. More cheese. It’s literally the Peter North of the burger world.

Seeing the video inspired me to knock a french onion soup burger off of my ever growing lists of ideas.

With my burger I wanted to do an actual play on soup. I wanted my burger to be a “bowl” so it could house a pile of caramelized onions. (This is the same method I used with my scallop stuffed burger) Some cheese on top between two buttery toasted buns and BOOM. Both myself and Le Rivage missed the bus on serving these burgers with some sort of beef broth but you get that on the big jobs.

Start by caramelizing some onions. I used 3 medium yellow onions. Cook over medium heat in butter and oil until caramelized.

For the burgers I used pre-made patties. Normally I would hand press my own but I’ve been hooked on these pre-seasoned pub style burgers from Stop & Shop. Do your best to form them into somewhat of a bowl. I found using the bottom of a bar glass to be helpful with this step.

Fill your finished burger with the caramelized onions, top with cheese – I used American & provolone – and slide under the broiler until cheese starts to brown.

And that my friends is my version of a french onion soup burger.

Bacon Wrapped Scallop Burger

What we’re doing here today is a little something I like to call cooking a burger like a fucking champion.

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I stumbled across a photo recently of a bacon wrapped burger (done up the same way you’ll see here) only it was filled with cheese. I was going to do one filled with French onion soup until a craving for scallops stage dived into my egg shaped fuck of a head.

The execution is simple. Burger bowl. Wrap with bacon. Season. Grill & fill.

Get yourself some fresh ground beef. I used 90/10 so it’s a little more lean than the 80/20 I would normally use. Form a decent patty and press the middle out to make a “bowl”. I used the bottom of a mug to help with this. You want to get in there with your phalanges and form it well. Wrap a slice of bacon around it and stick a toothpick in’er. Season the fuck out of it with some Old Bay before dropping on your grill. 

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You’re kind of fucked here if you’re looking for a medium/rare burger since you want the bacon to cook. You could always pre-cook the bacon a bit, that’s not how I fucking roll.


Once the bacon was cooked I flipped the burger over for just a couple of minute to add a char to the top side.

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In a small cast iron pan I cooked the scallops with a little seasoning. I was originally was going to stick bacon wrapped scallops on/in the burger but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have that kind of meat-based real estate…and boy was I fucking right.

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I spooned some sort of Cajun sauce in the burger. I’m not totally sure what the fuck it was since it was just some leftover sauce that came with some crab cakes I purchased. Stick as many scallops as you can comfortably fit in your burger bowl.

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My last little trick was the bun. I spread a thin layer of mayo on the buns and seasoned them with more Old Bay before crisping them up on the grill.

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There’s not much I would change with this sick as a bitch burger. You could raw dog it without the lettuce and tomato if you went heavier on the Cajun sauce. You need something. I avoided cheese because for some reason the thought of cheesy scallops made my dick shrivel like I was on an adderall bender. You could also season the scallops differently, maybe with a decent blackening spice.

The nicest thing about this whole operation is having the scallops sitting inside of the burger. When you take a bite they don’t go spilling over the sides like my fucking fat muffin top does over my jeans.

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The Ultimate Shepherds Pie Burger

Potato Churro-Style Bun? Cheesy Corn? Sliced Gravy? (Yes, I said sliced gravy). All the necessary items to make THE ULTIMATE SHEPHERDS PIE BURGER.

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What you have with a shepherds pie burger is a lot of things rolled into one. To begin you have shepherds pie – AKA white trash lasagna. The meal of single moms with two children who works 3 jobs to keep food on the table. It’s cheap. It’s easy to make. It’s filling. It’s fucking D E L I C I O U S. My favorite thing about shepherds pie is that everyone has their own version and somehow they’re all the same. Some people use gravy – others ketchup. Some people use cheese while others walk a more lactose intolerant path. 

You also have the burger aspect. So not only are you having a classic American dish, you’re having it in the most American way:

A fucking burger.

The real lesson with this recipe is both the churro style potato bun (yes it’s made with potatoes you fuck) and the slices of brown gravy.


As I mention in the video, I’ve jerked the churro dick sort of dry. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Churros. Cookie Crisp Churros & Mashed Potato & Gravy Churros. Now we sit here with the potato-bun churro.

You’re going to use instant potatoes. You can use those shitty real ones if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your scumbag points up. 1 packet of potato, 1 cup of flour and a few eggs. This is all you need to make potato Churros.

The sliced gravy is even fucking easier than that. You’re going to use a trashy can of beef gravy. Make sure it’s under $1 so you know it’s fucking scummy. You can make your own gravy if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your dirtbag status to full on fucking dickbag. 1 can of gravy – heated – mixed with  a 1/4 cup of cold water that had 1 packet of flavorless gelatin mixed in. That’s it man. It ain’t fucking science. Think this thanksgiving I’ll make a big loaf of fucking jello-gravy and serve it by the slice.

Crunchwrap Double Cheeseburger

Happy Sunday-Funday folks.

Still buzzing on my fuckin Big Mac Crunchwrap high, I thought it would be chill as fuck to use Crunchwrap Supremes for burger buns. I really should have used the new triple double Crunchwraps but I’m constantly battling with the fact that I’m a fucking idiot.

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Cheeseburger Cutlet Grinder

The other day my lovely wife said to me that she wished she had a cheeseburger cutlet. The alcohol flowing through my veins was unable to comprehend what in the fuck she meant by all of this.

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