The first thing you want to do is marinate your chicken. I went with drumsticks instead of wings because they were on sale. I soak mine in pickle juice. Soak them for at least 4 hours. You can use Italian dressing or some other whacky shit if you’re skeptical of the pickle juice.
While the chicken marinates grill your pineapple up. I used canned slices. Typically I would have used fresh pineapple but I’m lazy.
Time to build a sauce. Basically going to make a ketchup based white trash bbq sauce:
• 1/2 Cup Ketchup
•4 Chopped Grilled Pineapple Slices
• 1/8 Cup Chopped Pickled Jalapeños
• 1/2 Tablespoon Maple Sizzurp
• Pinch of Crushed Red Pepper
• Pinch of Black Pepper
• 1/8 Cup Yellow Mustard
• 1/4 cup Pickled Jalapeño Juice (if you want a little more kick)
Mix well and refrigerate.
When your chicken has competed is marinating extravaganza, rinse and pat dry with paper towels. Season with a BBQ seasoning. I have a mason jar in my kitchen that I dump all my spices in when they get down to the end of the bottle…so I’m not really sure what’s in my seasoning.
Let the chicken rest for 5-10 minutes after grilling before tossing a few pieces around at a time in your chicken slather sauce.
Plate up and garnish with more grilled pineapple and chopped pickled jalapeños.
I love french fries. Like…love french fries. I could eat them every day, all day. I also love topping fries with all sorts of random shit. I try to always make a “theme” with my fries. Steak & Cheese. Breakfast Fries. Spaghetti & Meatball. The real ticket with loaded fries is starting with the proper fry.
For these classy as fuck chicken parm fries I used the highest quality of frozen fries I could get my grubby mitts on. Those fries are Ore Ida Bold & Cripsy “Zesties”.
Since I was using frozen fries there was no real need to go all it with the chicken parm essentials. If I had hand cut my own fries I probably would have went all out and made a nice try of chicken parm, a quick 5 minute scratch tomato sauce and so on. I kept these fries classy with a jar of Ragu, some Sargento Cheese and chopped up Perdue chicken cutlets.
Extremely easy to make and only cost me about $10. I made one huge portions but for that $10 you could honestly split this into 4 decent servings.
You can spend hours online image searching ‘jalapeño popper chicken‘ (speaking from experience). It’s a total belly-boner situation.
In my opinion It’s the most literal form of visual food porn. Well there’s that and filming an actual porn with some food.
For some reason no one has had the audacity to stick a nice hunk of JPC – that’s jalapeño popper chicken for those of you who start paying attention 3 paragraphs in – between two slices of bread and serve it up on a comfortable looking bed of avocado.
That’s what we’re going to do today.
The first step is to flatten and season your boneless chicken breast. Season liberally. I used some cracked pepper, salt, crushed red pepper and some Italian seasoning.
Fill a few jalapeños with cream cheese, I cut the tops off and scooped out the majority of seeds, but I made sure to leave some so I could experience that sweet jalapeño heat.
Time to get the jalapeños wrapped up in the chicken. Once you have the chicken all wrapped up be sure to season the outside of it as well.
Get the chicken into a hot pan. The cast iron is nice because you can go from stop top to oven.
When the bottoms of the chicken breasts have a nice sear to them slide them in the oven at 375° for 35-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked. I finished them off under the broiler for a couple minutes to crisp the bacon up a bit more.
Finally you’ll build your sandwich. You’ll notice the chicken is HUGE. I think the only real way to battle this would be to cut the jalapeños in half the long way. It was a wide load to stuff into my mouth….but I still managed.
These are all things we have no idea how or why they work…they just do.
Wrapping chicken skin around frozen-dollar store mozzarella sticks and frying them off in your $20 countertop deep fryer is next level. It only takes a few minutes of frying and you’re left with this crispy/salty/cheesy stick of fucking greatness.
Before muff-diving my way into this recipe I had to decide which “cut?” of chicken I should use for the skin. I purchased a package of drums and a package of thighs. Not trying to brag or anything, thats just the kind of Google Ad Revenue I make.
The drums were fucked. Not enough skin to wrap my little pecker if I tried. The thighs were where it was at. The skin was fairly easy to remove, and with the leftover chicken I was able to make a white trash chicken soup. (chicken-a few packets of ramen-couple cans of veggies-jar of pasta sauce-various fucking spices)
You’ll be left with some sort of skin-tag looking corner of the chicken skin…just cut that shit the fuck off.
What I should have done before wrapping the mozzarella sticks with the skin – was season the skin. I could have went wild here. Maybe a jerk chicken or a BBQ seasoning. Maybe get a rosemary and parmesan thing rockin’…but nope. I took the fuckboi way out and seasoned them with nothing. I did end up hitting them before eating with a little S&P (thats salt & pepper for those of you who get in the shower before turning on the water. Fucking terrorist)
I fried them for roughly 5 minutes, or until the cheese started to pre-ejaculate its way out of the mozzarella stick. Would have liked to fry for longer. Maybe next time I’ll pan fry them instead of frying them.
When life hands you lemons, shove the lemons in your hole and stuff some bread with spaghetti and cheese.
This chicken parm sandwich will knock your dick…you guessed it…right in the fucking dirt.
If there was ever a moment in your life where you had to question whether or not you were indeed ‘fat as fuck’, eating one of these should clear that right the fuck up for you. This bad Larry will ensure you reach maximum man ‘tittery’ just in time for summer. You’ll be growing that potato sack-like pouch between your legs in fucking no time. What is that even? What do they call that? Its like a fat grundle/gooch/taint area. A fundle?. A fooch? A fat fucking taint? Whatever its called, this sandwich will give you a swollen patch between your arms and legs.
Pizza and quesadillas. Like OJ Simpson & Nicole Brown these two were just meant for each other.
Instead of making your standard issue quesadilla, I stuck some mac ‘n cheese and buffalo chicken between layers of flour tortilla. I’m actually not really sure that this classifies as a quesadilla, but this is my fucking fairy tale I’ll tel it how I want.
The prep/execution is pretty self explanatory just from the picture, but I know some of you will somehow have fucking questions.
So here you go.
Little bit of vegetable oil in a hot pan. Crisp up both side of 3 flour tortillas. Build your ‘pizzadilla’ just as I did in the video and bake in the oven.
It actually held up much better than I thought it would. It was able to be eaten just like a slice of pizza. Thought there was a good chance it was gonna end up a fuckin muck soggy mess.
The wonderful thing about soaking wings in code red is that when the wings are cooked they are red. They also taste nothing like Mountain Dew Code Red…which was kind of what I was hoping for, so fuck me right?
I also added some red food coloring to really bring the red out. There was a slight hint of the Code Red flavor, just not what I had hoped for. Fucking drunk idiot.
I’m going to attack this again from a different angle. I’ll either make a BBQ sauce that has the soda in it, or I’ll fuck around with my Chinese red rib marinade that I make, and see what I wrap my cock around.
The Pizzanini. Also known as the two shitty $0.99 pizzas from the dollar store with three $0.99 chicken parmesan meals from the dollar store, stuffed in a panini maker.
You can really go in any direction when you’re using two shit house pizzas as a vessel to transport food into your fat fucking mouth. I played around with the idea of a crummy frozen salisbury steak meal, but that was just a little too fucked up… even for me. Then I thought maybe one of those shitty fried chicken & mashed potato meals. I ended up settling on the chicken parmesan. Keep this shit Italian as fuck, or something.