Cheesy Cheetos Meatballs.

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Cheesy Cheetos Meatballs may not be the meatballs we deserve, but they’re the meatballs we fucking deserve.

I have this recurring dream where I bread everything with Cheetos instead of breadcrumbs. When I wake from this dream I realize it isn’t really a dreams at all, its just reality, because using Cheetos instead of breadcrumbs is what our forefathers would have fucking wanted. 

This recipe is actually a spawn of a Flamin’ Hot Mac the Fuck Cheese Meatball recipe that I had backed out on:

1: Because I forgot about it until now

2: Because I felt as if I was jerking the Flamin’ Hot/Mac the fuck Cheese dick a little much

3: Because I do what the fuck I want.

 flamin hot mac the fuck cheese

But the past is the past, the future is now, and the present doesn’t matter.

Which leaves us here with Cheesy Cheetos Meatballs…which were made into a Cheesy Cheetos Meatball Cheesy Cheetos Grilled Cheese, and eventually finished off as a Cheesy Cheesy Meatball Deep Fried Cheetos Crusted Cheesy Cheetos Grilled Cheese. ENJOY!

grilled cheese plain

fried meatball sammich

[HOT TO] Flamin’ Hot Whopper Chips

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Deep frying fast food is a surefire way to clear up any blockage you might be having in your anal department. We’ve seen the deep fried Big MacWe’ve seen deep fried Cheeseburger Chips. Shit, I even deep fried a McGangbang just for the fuck of it.

Which led me to create this pile of fucking shit. Cheetos Flamin’ Hot BAKED Whopper chips. Not my most creative work, but delicious none the less. My suggestion to anyone who constantly breads things with…well..bread, is to make the permanent switch to Cheetos crumbs. I know I’ve beaten the Flamin’ Hot dick dry, but its what I do. I beat dicks dry. Not like…beating a dick without any lube..but like…beating a dick until nothing else comes out.

Execution is simple. Get a whopper…bread with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos…and bake. Dip in ketchup like a real man. AND…if you’re a REAL man, you’ll get two Whoppers, bread and deep-the-fuck-fry a whole one just to show the world the amount of fuck you don’t give.

 

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Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Bloody Mary

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“A man is only as strong as the Bloody Mary he makes…so make a fucking stiffy.”Ghandi, Marilyn Monroe & Princess Diana 

The Bloody Mary. The international “I’m not a drunk but I want to get drunk at 8am” cocktail to end your hangover and set you up for a day of hard boozing.

I pride myself on my Mary. I have a Bloody Mary Kit* that I carry around with me during the holidays to ensure my family is drunk before noon.

*Bloody Mary Kit: a reusable grocery bag full of Bloody Mary essentials.

If you’re a real cock in the ass you’ll use some bullshit store bought mix. While there are some really good mixes out there, show your family how much of a Bloody Mary go hard you are by making your own mix.

I like to use V8. Tons of flavor with the juice itself before adding anything. If you’re a cunt, you’ll use tomato juice.

As far as ingredients go, the basics are pepper, horseradish, Tabasco, Worcestershire and celery salt. Normally garnished with celery and a few lemon and lime wedges.

That’s cool and all, but a good Mary should be half drink half nutritional breakfast in my eyes. Pickles, olives, bacon, a rotisserie chicken…you need garnishes you can snack on while you drink. Not some fuckin stalk of vegetable and a lemon.

Contrary to what Ghandi, Marilyn Monroe, and Princess Diana say, while the Mary should be stiff, I think it’s best not to take away from the deliciousness of the mix that you’ve made with too much vodka, which is why I normally fill the glass halfway with booze.

Check the video below to see the formula I went with for this Thanksgiving.

 

Cheetos Crusted Mac n’ Cheese Fries

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One of my main man squeezes, Josh Schereherjeh (yup 100% that’s how it’s spelled) from culinarybrodown.com created a recipe for some Mac n’ Cheese Fries with a Sriracha Stout Chili back in June of this year.

Long story short I’m using some common steps from his recipe to really shit-it-the-fuck-up over here. I can’t be bothered with the whole process of boiling noodles or making some sort of chili. I’ll instead be opting for some already frozen mac n’ cheese and most likely a large vat of ketchup for dipping.

Necessary equipment:

-Some frozen Mac the fuck cheese

-Eggs

-Spices

-Flour

-Crushed Cheetos

-Oil to fry with you fucking idiots.

 

 

 

The first step in this elaborate scheme of things is to obtain some mac n’ cheese. I opted for the family size Stouffers Mac n’ cheese bundle from the freezer section of my grocery store. I let the Mac n’ cheese thaw on my counter for a few hours while I casually drank in my yard and pretended like I was doing yard work. Once the mac was thawed, I lined a cookie sheet with some wax paper, loaded on the mac, and stuck in my freezer overnight.

I removed the mac the following day and proceeded to cut it into fry shaped sticks…or something. Might have been in my best interest to either score the mac with a knife before freezing, or let thaw for like 20 minutes after pulling it from the freezer. It was a real cock in the ass cutting this shit. Some of the “fries” broke and shit so that upset me, and either the knife I was using wasn’t sharp enough or I’m a bigger pussy than my dad tells me I am.

Once I had the mac n’ cheese all chopped up into fry-esque sticks, I coated them with some seasoned flour. After flouring I egg washed and then coated them with some crushed Cheetos. I would highly recommend after bathing them in the Cheetos to stick them back in the freezer for an hour or two. I didn’t do this because I’m fucked. This will help them cook more evenly. By the time I got to frying the last few they had thawed a little too much from sitting out, so fuck me.