Pizza Fritters – Cheap & Easy (just like your mother)

Pizza Fritters Are The National Pizza Month Item You Never Knew You Were Missing.

October is a fantastic month. We’ve got Halloween, which is an amazing celebration of diabetes. The weather is beginning to cool making it less stressful on our inner thighs – And most importantly we have an entire month dedicated to the life of Pizza.

We’ve celebrated NPM in the past with things like Pizza Koozies & Pizza Wings, but to celebrate this month I wanted to do something cheap and easy. Something you could potentially make with shit thats just sitting in your cupboard. Flour, eggs, butter and you’ve got yourself the main happenings of a fritter fuck-fest.



The first step is to round up all necessary ingredients. Now, the recipe I have is a blend of multiple recipes from across the internet. A little pinch from a fritter recipe, a little dash of hushpuppy and BOOM, we’ve got ourselves a fuckin’ pizza fritter.

1 1/2 C Flour

1 C Cornmeal

2 Eggs

1/2 Stick Butter (melted)

1/2 TBL baking powder

1/2 TBL Baking soda

1 CUP Milk

Garlic

Mozzarella

Garlic Salt

Italian Seasoning

Mini-Roni

LETS GET OUR PIZZA FRITTER FUCK FEST ON!

Combine everything in a large as fuck bowl and mix well. You can add all sorts of other shit in here if thats your sort of thing. I think keeping the fritters simple and then topping them with more shit is the best way to go about this recipe.



Once I had my mixture all…..mixed, I stuck that shit in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes. I’m not sure if this was a necessary part of the process, but thats where I put it while I let my fryer come up to temp (350°)

Now we’re ready to fry! You’re going to form the mixture into little (or big) balls. A little slice of advice – rub your hands with a little vegetable oil or fresh semen to prevent the batter from sticking to your grubby fucking fingers. Once you have a nice ball formed drop that shit into the hot oil and fry for 4-5 minutes or until a golden brown. Some of the balls might bust open a bit. You can peel that little defect off when they’re done cooking if you prefer a nice round ball.

All thats left is to plate up your Pizza Fritters. I tossed mine in a french fry holder, hit them with some sauce, cheese, mini-roni and tossed them in my air fryer on 275° for about 5 minutes. Thats it. Thats all there is to a fuckin’ pizza fritter.

Hope you guys enjoyed this blog post & recipe. Remember to follow along on facebook and instagram. For a full arsenal of videos head to the YouTube channel and subscribe!



 

 

Bacon Weave Breakfast Pizza

This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.

The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its  going to take about 2 1/2 lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out. 

Now you can go one of two ways here. You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for four smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.

Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.

Giant Pizza Ravioli

That nice thing about a pizza ravioli is that instead of using pizza dough you use a giant ravioli.

You can fill it with whatever you want but you should probably listen to me when I tell you to fill it with cheese, bacon & jalapeños because I’m fucking smarter than you when it comes to this level of scumbaggery.

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My apologies for the run on sentence. This is the part of the blog post where I tell you I’m sorry for the lack of blog posts and blah blah blah – go fuck myself.

The reason I haven’t really posted – other than the fact that I’m just a lazy cunt – is that when I share a blog post link to Facebook these days it only ends up reaching about 1000 people out of the 250k+ fans of the Facebook page, which is strange because if I share a super spicy meme it’s reaches roughly 30k+. Kind of disappointing since only a few years ago I could reach that with a crummy blog post.

I’m told that this has a lot to do with Facebook’s algorithm and the content checks it does…so what we’re doing here today is a bit of a test. I’m going to put a little more content in this post and we’ll see where that gets us!

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Back to the giant fuck of a ravioli.

Making a giant jalapeño popper-esque pizza ravioli isn’t a difficult task, but it is a task.

Since giant raviolis don’t exist in grocery stores you’ll have to make your own – starting with the dough.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you step-by-step how to make pasta dough – that’s what YouTube is for – but the process is pretty straight forward:


Pile of flour – a few eggs – a little EVOO. I would suggest giving this a few trial runs. I’ve made pasta dough a few times now and I’m borderline Gilbert Grape so if I can do it you cunts shouldn’t have an issue. After your dough has been made, rested & ready to roll out you can start making this giant fuck.

-fill dough
-make ravioli
-smoke break
-boil ravioli
-smoke break
-put pizza shit on top of ravioli and bake the fucking thing.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

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You can honestly fill your ravioli with whatever the fuck you want. I went with a jalapeño popper story line because that’s the kind of mood I’ve been in.

Now if you haven’t punished yourself enough with reading this blog post here is a video of me gargling words and showing you how it all went down.

Fast Food Pizza

Today we’re celebrating National Drive Through Day, because in America everything deserves a day of cele’fuckin’bration.

I’ve been wanting to do a fast food pizza for a while, but  shied away from it because I didn’t want to seem like I was stepping on Epic Mealtime’s toes. 

But I figured fuck it. 

I hit all the local fast food spots in my town, which there are only fucking 4 of. Is that not fucking depressing? McDonald’s, BK, Taco Bell, and KFC. I literally had to drive 20 minutes just to get the Wendy’s chili. That’s it. No Sonic. No Chik-fil-A. Not even a fucking Arby’s.

I always had this idea that if I struck it rich I would build a spot called Fast Food Alley, a mile long strip with all the fucking top dog fast food chains. McDonald’s, Arby’s, BK, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, White Castle, Subway, Checkers, Bo Jangles, Church’s Chicken, In-n-Out, Whataburger, Roy Rogers, Sonic, Dominos, Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, Hardee’s, Steak n’ Shake, Waffle House, Fatburger, Chipotle, Shake Shack, hell, I’d even build a Little Caesars and just make t one giant fucking toilet.

Anyways, for today’s recipe I built a simple day food pizza. BK Fries for the dough, Wendy’s chili for the sauce, KFC Mac the fuck cheese for…well…the cheese, and various chicken nugget-fiesta potato-onion ring toppings. 

“Cardiac Arrest Pizza”

Hope you guys enjoy!