When life hands you lemons, shove the lemons in your hole and stuff some bread with spaghetti and cheese.
This chicken parm sandwich will knock your dick…you guessed it…right in the fucking dirt.
If there was ever a moment in your life where you had to question whether or not you were indeed ‘fat as fuck’, eating one of these should clear that right the fuck up for you. This bad Larry will ensure you reach maximum man ‘tittery’ just in time for summer. You’ll be growing that potato sack-like pouch between your legs in fucking no time. What is that even? What do they call that? Its like a fat grundle/gooch/taint area. A fundle?. A fooch? A fat fucking taint? Whatever its called, this sandwich will give you a swollen patch between your arms and legs.
His version is a couple of marbled eggs between a 4 banger of sweet Hawaiian rolls served with either fried pork or Spam, topped with scallion and Sriracha mayo. The difference with mine is that I’ll be adding bacon & cheese, and using crispy fried onions instead of scallions. I’ll also be using a chipotle mayo because fuck Sriracha. I’ll be making a large tray of them and serving them up as some legit as fuck sliders.
It’s soda-not pop, it’s a packy-not a liquor story, and it’s a grinder-not a fuckin’ hero, sub, wedge, or hoagie
At least if you’re from New England….
I love grinders and my stretch marks tell that story for me. It’s like each small tear in the skin on my love handles tells a story of mayonnaise, cheese, and various piled high cold cuts. They also tell the story of 8.0% beers, ice cream, chips, no exercise, naps, soda, and zero fucks.
The cheeseburger grinder is the unscheduled-surprise mustache ride of the grinder world…legit as fuck.
I wanted to take the cheeseburger to the next level. We’ve seen french fry buns from DudeFoods, and we’ve seen my burger encased in a “fry bomb”, so naturally a grinder was next on the chopping block.
The fries are prepared pretty much the same way I prepared them with the burger bomb. Nuke some frozen fries in the microwave until they’re soggy, mix with cheese, and form into whatever the fuck you want. Next week I’m going to make a Kardashian out of fries and hate fuck it for a while.
Hot Dogs & Mac ‘n Cheese. The International meal-combo of people who constantly overdraft and bounce checks. You could easily cook a witches cauldrons’ worth for about 3 bucks. Using anything other than Kraft macaroni & cheese is such a sin that even ISIS wouldn’t take you the fuck in.
The real trick to making this bad bitch is being able to comfortably fit everything between two slices of white bread. (loaf purchased from Baller General for $.99) For this we use a method I like to call “squash the shit out of some of the bread with the bottom of a bar glass”
Once you’ve created a bread vessel (both slices), fill that nasty little hooker with some mac the fuck cheese and place slices of hot dog across the whole fuckin’ mess of it.
Pop the top on that bitch and commence bacon wrap. You’ll need 6 slices. 3 to lay each way. We’ve seen this method before with my bacon wrapped mozzarella buns.
Make sure the ends of the bacon all meet on the same side of the sandwich. This is important because when you put it into a hot pan you want that side to sear well so the whole shit doesn’t unravel.
When I put this shit into my pan, I also put like 4 dinner plates on top to add some weight to get a good sear. I don’t have a photo of that because I was high as shit from eating my weed-fried Oreos.
Cook it until you get a nice dark bacon crust on the side you put down. When the one side is nice and crispy looking, give’r a flip and cook the other side. No need for the plates on this side.
Here’s the part where I would normally call it a wrap and then read a bunch of comments where people are telling me the bacon isn’t cooked all the way and blah blah fucking blah.
So I stuck a skewer through the middle of the sandwich and cooked all of the sides for you cunts.
The best thing about living on the east coast is that I don’t live in fucking California. Sometimes I flush my toilet and let my water run just for the fuck of it. Yeah I have some boys out there I got mad love for, but if I can’t step outside turn my hose on and wash my driveway…..well fuck me.
….But the cocks ain’t always bigger on the other side of the fence.
The worst thing about living on the east coast is that we don’t have a fucking In-n-Out. I mean, like, not for thousands of fucking miles. So I have to adapt. I have to animal style the fuck out of shit myself.
Which led me to this Animal Style Grilled cheese.
The Pizzanini. Also known as the two shitty $0.99 pizzas from the dollar store with three $0.99 chicken parmesan meals from the dollar store, stuffed in a panini maker.
You can really go in any direction when you’re using two shit house pizzas as a vessel to transport food into your fat fucking mouth. I played around with the idea of a crummy frozen salisbury steak meal, but that was just a little too fucked up… even for me. Then I thought maybe one of those shitty fried chicken & mashed potato meals. I ended up settling on the chicken parmesan. Keep this shit Italian as fuck, or something.