Jalapeno Popper Chicken Sandwich

You can spend hours online image searching ‘jalapeño popper chicken‘ (speaking from experience). It’s a total belly-boner situation.

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In my opinion It’s the most literal form of visual food porn. Well there’s that and filming an actual porn with some food.

For some reason no one has had the audacity to stick a nice hunk of JPC – that’s jalapeño popper chicken for those of you who start paying attention 3 paragraphs in – between two slices of bread and serve it up on a comfortable looking bed of avocado.

That’s what we’re going to do today.

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The first step is to flatten and season your boneless chicken breast. Season liberally. I used some cracked pepper, salt, crushed red pepper and some Italian seasoning.

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Fill a few jalapeños with cream cheese, I cut the tops off and scooped out the majority of seeds, but I made sure to leave some so I could experience that sweet jalapeño heat.

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Time to get the jalapeños wrapped up in the chicken. Once you have the chicken all wrapped up be sure to season the outside of it as well.

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Next step: Thick-ass bacon. I used some Black Label Maple Black Pepper bacon because its delicious.

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Get the chicken into a hot pan. The cast iron is nice because you can go from stop top to oven.IMG_8773_Fotor

When the bottoms of the chicken breasts have a nice sear to them slide them in the oven at 375° for 35-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked. I finished them off under the broiler for a couple minutes to crisp the bacon up a bit more.

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Finally you’ll build your sandwich. You’ll notice the chicken is HUGE. I think the only real way to battle this would be to cut the jalapeños in half the long way. It was a wide load to stuff into my mouth….but I still managed.

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Jalapeño Popper Dogs

There are a variety of styles out there when it comes to jalapeño popper hot dogs. There are hot dogs topped with all of your usual jalapeño popper suspects. There are hot dogs topped with straight up jalapeño poppers. There’s the albino jalapeño popper dog my uncle used to serve up in his basement puzzle dungeon, and If you’re my good pal, Dan, From thefoodinmybeard.com your jalapeño popper hot dog comes with the hot dog inside of the jalapeño.

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This recipe was actually set up to be the weeks SundayFunday video until I realized – other than looks – there was really nothing extreme enough to me to turn out a video for the recipe, so I figured a shot fucking blog post should do it.

I thought it would be cool to dress the buns up like a white trash cheese bread, pin some jalapeños to the dogs with toothpicks and spiral wrap some bacon around them. That’s it. All the fundamentals of a jalapeño popper served up on a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog. (I obviously had to go with Nathan’s being that it was the 4th of July and that’s when Nathan’s hot dog eating competition goes down)

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The first step is to pin the jalapeños and bacon to the dogs. I sliced the bacon in half the long way to double my bacon stock. What I really should have done is spiraled the bacon up one way and back down in the opposite direction making some sort of fuckin bacon braid.

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Throw together your bun-spread. Cream cheese, shredded cheddar and some cooked bacon because why the fuck not.

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Now its time to get everything on the grill. Cook both the dogs and buns over indirect heat. I cooked the dogs first and when they looked to be about done I tossed on the buns. I hit the buns with a quick blow torch because America.

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Hope you guys enjoyed this recipe but in the event that you didn’t you can kindly fuck off.

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30 Minute Jalapeno Popper Mac ‘n Cheese

Jalapeno Popper Mac ‘n Cheese is both the hero we need and the hero we deserve.

This dish is super easy to make…so easy that I didn’t even take the time to make a video like I normally would. I DID however run through this on my Instagram on the ‘ol Instagram Story feature. I’ve been trying to do more on-the-fly food related shit over there so make sure you check it out.

All you need is some mac ‘n cheese – I went with Kraft’s Velveeta Bacon Shells & Cheese – one, because they are delicious, and two because they were on sale at Target – some GIANT jalapeños, a few slices of bacon, and some sort of creamy cheese to fill the jalapeños with. I went with Heluva Good! TABASCO flavored dip because its fucking rocking.

The first step is whatever you choose to be your first step. For me I got the Velveeta cooking. While that was cooking I split my giant jalapeño down the middle and removed the guts. I filled the jalapeños with the Heluva Good! dip and then wrapped them with bacon. For the bacon I actually split each slice of bacon down the middle the long way. This doesn’t help in the cooking in any sort of way but It does make it look sexy as fuck when its done.

To make sure the bacon would be cooked underneath when the dish was complete, I seared the bottoms of the jalapeños in a hot cast iron pan. I removed the jalapeños once the bacon on the bottom was nice and crispy looking and dumped an abundance of the Velveeta shells into the hot cast iron. If you’re looking to make this dish cheesy as fuck you could always add some more cheese here. I topped the shells with my two jalapeño’s and placed them under the broiler on LOW until the bacon was cooked (roughly 12 minutes). You could make the whole dish off at like 400 degrees if you really wanted, but the cast iron pan and the shells were already hot I was just looking to heat the jalapeños through.

Before serving I sliced the jalapeño up a bit. This turned the dish into sort of a ‘pick-at’ dish at my house. Got some toothpicks out and we all just sort of picked away at the fucking thing. Topped this all off with about 10 Budweisers and a large bong load.

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Jalapeno Totters

Jalapeno Totters. Its a known fact that the addition of tots to a tot-less food will increase tasting pleasure by 107%.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….




tots over fucking fries.

Tots are fucking delicious. I don’t know why we haven’t just completely done away with french fries at this point in human existence. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fries…but I think its time to let the tots come out and swing that big crispy-fluffy-potato-y cock around.




These are so east to make Stephen Hawking could make them with Helen Keller talking him the fuck through it.

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S’moresapeño

web time

You go hard in the paint?

I paint hard in your chick.

She wants this Canadian man dime,

Not some pre-cummy dick.

Get it? Like my dick is the paintbrush, and my man sauce is the paint, and I bust in your girl. 

I don’t know. I’ve been rapping in my head a lot and that line just stuck with me. I wouldn’t fuck your chick because I prefer to only enter my wife.

Here’s one for all the dickheads out there. This ain’t some amateur hour shit. Your pallet has to be on fucking point to enjoy this shit. You have to be a fan of jalapeños, cocks, fluff, dicks, graham crackers, penis parties, chocolate, and chocolate covered cocks.

If you’ve never had fluff, I encourage you to go out, purchase a tub of it, shot up to your parents and make your father watch you fuck your mother for raising you without fluff in your life.

The jalapeños maintain a good crunch which kind of fucking bothered me at first, but I pulled my dick out of the sand and manned the fuck up. Although, next time I would roast the jalapeños over an open flame and remove the skin to give the jalapeños the flaccid dick treatment. I would flaccidize them. The flaccification would be great. Are these flaccid jokes hitting anyone’s soft spot? 

Check out the video and hit the fucking subscribe button.