Jalapeno Popper Chicken Sandwich

You can spend hours online image searching ‘jalapeño popper chicken‘ (speaking from experience). It’s a total belly-boner situation.

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In my opinion It’s the most literal form of visual food porn. Well there’s that and filming an actual porn with some food.

For some reason no one has had the audacity to stick a nice hunk of JPC – that’s jalapeño popper chicken for those of you who start paying attention 3 paragraphs in – between two slices of bread and serve it up on a comfortable looking bed of avocado.

That’s what we’re going to do today.

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The first step is to flatten and season your boneless chicken breast. Season liberally. I used some cracked pepper, salt, crushed red pepper and some Italian seasoning.

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Fill a few jalapeños with cream cheese, I cut the tops off and scooped out the majority of seeds, but I made sure to leave some so I could experience that sweet jalapeño heat.

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Time to get the jalapeños wrapped up in the chicken. Once you have the chicken all wrapped up be sure to season the outside of it as well.

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Next step: Thick-ass bacon. I used some Black Label Maple Black Pepper bacon because its delicious.

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Get the chicken into a hot pan. The cast iron is nice because you can go from stop top to oven.IMG_8773_Fotor

When the bottoms of the chicken breasts have a nice sear to them slide them in the oven at 375° for 35-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked. I finished them off under the broiler for a couple minutes to crisp the bacon up a bit more.

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Finally you’ll build your sandwich. You’ll notice the chicken is HUGE. I think the only real way to battle this would be to cut the jalapeños in half the long way. It was a wide load to stuff into my mouth….but I still managed.

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Rice Krispies Treat Stuffed Peanut Butter Cups

For the past year or two (don’t quote me on that) Reese’s has been absolutely destroying the peanut butter cup game.

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Well I decided I wanted a little slice of that heaven. Actually, someone I work with suggested this idea so the only real credit I can take for this is the execution.

All that was said by my boy B-Sleazy was “I want a peanut butter cup with Rice Krispies Treat inside of it” and the rest is history. Well, not really history. More of just a YouTube video.

Jalapeño Popper Dogs

There are a variety of styles out there when it comes to jalapeño popper hot dogs. There are hot dogs topped with all of your usual jalapeño popper suspects. There are hot dogs topped with straight up jalapeño poppers. There’s the albino jalapeño popper dog my uncle used to serve up in his basement puzzle dungeon, and If you’re my good pal, Dan, From thefoodinmybeard.com your jalapeño popper hot dog comes with the hot dog inside of the jalapeño.

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This recipe was actually set up to be the weeks SundayFunday video until I realized – other than looks – there was really nothing extreme enough to me to turn out a video for the recipe, so I figured a shot fucking blog post should do it.

I thought it would be cool to dress the buns up like a white trash cheese bread, pin some jalapeños to the dogs with toothpicks and spiral wrap some bacon around them. That’s it. All the fundamentals of a jalapeño popper served up on a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog. (I obviously had to go with Nathan’s being that it was the 4th of July and that’s when Nathan’s hot dog eating competition goes down)

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The first step is to pin the jalapeños and bacon to the dogs. I sliced the bacon in half the long way to double my bacon stock. What I really should have done is spiraled the bacon up one way and back down in the opposite direction making some sort of fuckin bacon braid.

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Throw together your bun-spread. Cream cheese, shredded cheddar and some cooked bacon because why the fuck not.

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Now its time to get everything on the grill. Cook both the dogs and buns over indirect heat. I cooked the dogs first and when they looked to be about done I tossed on the buns. I hit the buns with a quick blow torch because America.

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Hope you guys enjoyed this recipe but in the event that you didn’t you can kindly fuck off.

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Buffalo Chicken Mac ‘n Cheese Stuffed Potato Bombs

These buffalo chicken mac stuffed grillin’ taters are so easy that even if your everyday outfit includes a helmet and velcro shoes you should be able to knock this one out.

The whole operation can pretty much go down right at your fucking grill, which is nice because…well…that’s the point of grilling.

You may have seen similar recipes from the cunts at Buzzfeed or their Tasty platform or maybe even some random BBQ channel (these would be great on the smoker) on the ol’ YouTube….so we’re not exactly breaking new ground here. I even did something similar myself for the folks at Twisted a few months back when they sent me their cookbook.

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The first step in this cluster fuck of an operation is to grill some buffalo-style chicken. Marinate the chicken in a generic hot sauce. I use Trappys. Toss the chicken on the grill and brush with with a 50/50 combo marinade made out of melted butter and more generic hot sauce.

Build yourself a trashbag mac the fuck cheese. Whenever I’m doing a recipe like this I like to grab one of those microwaveable macaroni and cheese dishes. NOT A FUCKING FROZEN ONE. Country Crock makes one as well as a few other brands. These are nice for a mac the fuck cheese on the fly because they’re easy to doctor up. All I added to this was an entire block of sharp cheddar(shredded) and the chopped up buffalo chicken tenders – which I could have chopped up a bit more so it was more present throughout the mac the fuck cheese.

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Getting your potatoes ready is pretty self explanatory based on the fucking photo – but if you’re a window licker here you go:

-cook potatoes

-cut cooked potatoes

-hollow potatoes

-cut bottom of the potatoes slightly so it can stand on its own

-wrap with bacon

-season with salt and pep.

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You can do whatever the fuck you want with the potato guts. I like to hold on to them just in case you hollow out the potato too much and end up with a hole on the bottom. The potato guts make a great starchy bandaid for this.


Cooking them is easier than a Kardashian in an NBA locker room. Fill the potatoes with the mac the fuck cheese. Pack the mac in nice and tight. The pièce de résistance is the ice cream scooper-scoop on top. That’s what’s selling this whole fucking thing.

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Set your grill to LOW. These are a low-and-slow operation. You don’t want the potato to burn before the bacon is cooked. You might have to play around on your grill, moving the potatoes in and out of direct heat until you find a good heat zone. Once you locate a good cook spot on the grill close the grill and fuck off, and I mean like…fuck off. Don’t open the grill for a while (15 minutes). You need the heat that’s in the grill to cook the bacon. If you tried to cook these with the grill open you would end up with raw bacon on top and burnt bacon towards the bottom.

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When they’re done remove them and garnish with sour cream, green onion, bacon, jalapeños, spices – whatever your little hearts desire. The sour cream and green onion combo was a hit for me.

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Bacon Wrapped Scallop Burger

What we’re doing here today is a little something I like to call cooking a burger like a fucking champion.

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I stumbled across a photo recently of a bacon wrapped burger (done up the same way you’ll see here) only it was filled with cheese. I was going to do one filled with French onion soup until a craving for scallops stage dived into my egg shaped fuck of a head.

The execution is simple. Burger bowl. Wrap with bacon. Season. Grill & fill.

Get yourself some fresh ground beef. I used 90/10 so it’s a little more lean than the 80/20 I would normally use. Form a decent patty and press the middle out to make a “bowl”. I used the bottom of a mug to help with this. You want to get in there with your phalanges and form it well. Wrap a slice of bacon around it and stick a toothpick in’er. Season the fuck out of it with some Old Bay before dropping on your grill. 

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You’re kind of fucked here if you’re looking for a medium/rare burger since you want the bacon to cook. You could always pre-cook the bacon a bit, that’s not how I fucking roll.


Once the bacon was cooked I flipped the burger over for just a couple of minute to add a char to the top side.

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In a small cast iron pan I cooked the scallops with a little seasoning. I was originally was going to stick bacon wrapped scallops on/in the burger but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have that kind of meat-based real estate…and boy was I fucking right.

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I spooned some sort of Cajun sauce in the burger. I’m not totally sure what the fuck it was since it was just some leftover sauce that came with some crab cakes I purchased. Stick as many scallops as you can comfortably fit in your burger bowl.

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My last little trick was the bun. I spread a thin layer of mayo on the buns and seasoned them with more Old Bay before crisping them up on the grill.

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There’s not much I would change with this sick as a bitch burger. You could raw dog it without the lettuce and tomato if you went heavier on the Cajun sauce. You need something. I avoided cheese because for some reason the thought of cheesy scallops made my dick shrivel like I was on an adderall bender. You could also season the scallops differently, maybe with a decent blackening spice.

The nicest thing about this whole operation is having the scallops sitting inside of the burger. When you take a bite they don’t go spilling over the sides like my fucking fat muffin top does over my jeans.

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The Ultimate Shepherds Pie Burger

Potato Churro-Style Bun? Cheesy Corn? Sliced Gravy? (Yes, I said sliced gravy). All the necessary items to make THE ULTIMATE SHEPHERDS PIE BURGER.

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What you have with a shepherds pie burger is a lot of things rolled into one. To begin you have shepherds pie – AKA white trash lasagna. The meal of single moms with two children who works 3 jobs to keep food on the table. It’s cheap. It’s easy to make. It’s filling. It’s fucking D E L I C I O U S. My favorite thing about shepherds pie is that everyone has their own version and somehow they’re all the same. Some people use gravy – others ketchup. Some people use cheese while others walk a more lactose intolerant path. 

You also have the burger aspect. So not only are you having a classic American dish, you’re having it in the most American way:

A fucking burger.

The real lesson with this recipe is both the churro style potato bun (yes it’s made with potatoes you fuck) and the slices of brown gravy.


As I mention in the video, I’ve jerked the churro dick sort of dry. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Churros. Cookie Crisp Churros & Mashed Potato & Gravy Churros. Now we sit here with the potato-bun churro.

You’re going to use instant potatoes. You can use those shitty real ones if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your scumbag points up. 1 packet of potato, 1 cup of flour and a few eggs. This is all you need to make potato Churros.

The sliced gravy is even fucking easier than that. You’re going to use a trashy can of beef gravy. Make sure it’s under $1 so you know it’s fucking scummy. You can make your own gravy if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your dirtbag status to full on fucking dickbag. 1 can of gravy – heated – mixed with  a 1/4 cup of cold water that had 1 packet of flavorless gelatin mixed in. That’s it man. It ain’t fucking science. Think this thanksgiving I’ll make a big loaf of fucking jello-gravy and serve it by the slice.

Bacon Wrapped Taco Pockets

The taco pocket may not be the hero we need but it sure as hell is the hero we need.

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This is honestly a terrible, lazy and sad attempt for a Sunday Funday video…but it also has not been done before and that’s usually what I’m shooting for. Every week I try to do something that hasn’t been done. I try to avoid doing a play on someone else’s recipe…we save that shit for the Mid-Week Stretch videos (which I haven’t done in months). So even if we’re lacking in the creativity department from time to time I try to bring you cunts something that hasn’t been done.

The taco pocket is simple pocket. Two tacos shells married together, wrapped with bacon and then stuffed with your typical white-America taco fillings. Most people don’t consider these tacos because it’s not a soft flour or corn tortilla filled with fresh fixings and/or slow cooked tough cuts of meat. Every time I post something like this there is an abundance of hipster cunts there to let me know that “that’s not a real taco”. I know this because I’ve posted a lot of taco content and I hear it every fucking time.


I don’t fucking care.

I love tacos. Everyone should love tacos. Everyone should love all forms of tacos. I like to use this style of taco shell more often because they’re statistically trashier then other forms of taco shells and that’s what I’m all about.

Making these is a breeze. All you’re really doing is locking some shells together and securing them with bacon.

A lot of people were wondering why I didn’t wrap the bacon all the way up the shells. 

Because I didn’t.

I was also asked a lot why I didn’t just bake them? Why did I cook them in a frying pan? 

Because the shells would have cooked and burned before the bacon was even close to being complete cooked, stupid.

All I was looking to do was create a large void to fill within some taco shells and I think I hit the fuckin male g-spot of the taco world.

Giant Pizza Ravioli

That nice thing about a pizza ravioli is that instead of using pizza dough you use a giant ravioli.

You can fill it with whatever you want but you should probably listen to me when I tell you to fill it with cheese, bacon & jalapeños because I’m fucking smarter than you when it comes to this level of scumbaggery.

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My apologies for the run on sentence. This is the part of the blog post where I tell you I’m sorry for the lack of blog posts and blah blah blah – go fuck myself.

The reason I haven’t really posted – other than the fact that I’m just a lazy cunt – is that when I share a blog post link to Facebook these days it only ends up reaching about 1000 people out of the 250k+ fans of the Facebook page, which is strange because if I share a super spicy meme it’s reaches roughly 30k+. Kind of disappointing since only a few years ago I could reach that with a crummy blog post.

I’m told that this has a lot to do with Facebook’s algorithm and the content checks it does…so what we’re doing here today is a bit of a test. I’m going to put a little more content in this post and we’ll see where that gets us!

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Back to the giant fuck of a ravioli.

Making a giant jalapeño popper-esque pizza ravioli isn’t a difficult task, but it is a task.

Since giant raviolis don’t exist in grocery stores you’ll have to make your own – starting with the dough.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you step-by-step how to make pasta dough – that’s what YouTube is for – but the process is pretty straight forward:


Pile of flour – a few eggs – a little EVOO. I would suggest giving this a few trial runs. I’ve made pasta dough a few times now and I’m borderline Gilbert Grape so if I can do it you cunts shouldn’t have an issue. After your dough has been made, rested & ready to roll out you can start making this giant fuck.

-fill dough
-make ravioli
-smoke break
-boil ravioli
-smoke break
-put pizza shit on top of ravioli and bake the fucking thing.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

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You can honestly fill your ravioli with whatever the fuck you want. I went with a jalapeño popper story line because that’s the kind of mood I’ve been in.

Now if you haven’t punished yourself enough with reading this blog post here is a video of me gargling words and showing you how it all went down.

Lasagna Taco

The Lasagna Taco may not be the taco we need, but it most certainly is the taco we deserve.

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I’m not going to sit here and toot my taco-horn – but I’ve fucked up some shit in the taco world. We all have our talents. Some of us are great photographers. Some of us are great athletes. Some of us can twerk on a dick so well that you cause someone to lose their load in 3.6 seconds. Whatever talent-card life has dealt you just do what you do best.

For me that talent-card is turning foods into tacos that don’t necessarily need to be turned into tacos. (or do they…..)

This is actually something I’ve been working on for a few years. Yeah. Working on a taco…for a few years…I just said that. Constantly running into the issue of how to form a taco “shell” and have it look….lasagna-y?

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After numerous failed attempts I finally nailed this fucker. Some mafalda noodles – little egg wash – and some shredded cheese. Thats its. Thats all you need to make this abomination.

 

 

The Ultimate Ramen Sandwich

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The sandwich in which you are viewing with your eyes is made entirely out of ramen noodles.

Actually its about 70% ramen noodles, 45% puréed butter beans & chickpeas, and like 7% Old Bay Seasoning. Well – actually with the ramen thats also crusted on the outside its about 82% ramen. Im no mathematician but thats a solid 212% of pure ramen fuckery.

The idea for this came to me during an extensive marijuana day dream. If you don’t know what a marijuana day dream is, its when you’re high on marijuana during the day and a shitty idea pops up in your little brain compartment.

The idea was simple: 

purée a bunch of shit – make patties from said pile of puréed shit – deep fry – sell out – cash in – bro down.

What you end up with is a basic white trash hummus. Some real sticky-icky. You could lay brick with this shit. I’m not sure if its the marijuana talking, but I’m even thinking I could start up one of those YouTube channels where its just videos of me sticking my fingers in this P.F.P. (Physical Fart Paste)

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