So I’ve been messing around with gelatin a bit. I could have went nuts with the geletin, but I wanted to keep it simple. I was originally going to try and make slices of actual pickle juice, much like when I made slices of gravy for The Ultimate Shepherds Pie Burger.
All you need for this is are some pickles and geletine.
Heat up 2 CUPS of pickle brine in a sauce pan. You don’t need to bring to an boil or anything, just warm that shit up. Mix 3 packets of geletin in cold brine until its will blended. Mix the brine and geletin mixture and pickle brine well and place into a large Tupperware. Toss in some chunks of pickle and have a fuckin field day.
Fryghtening. Horrifrying. Fryeightful. These scary giant smiley french fry puns doing anything for you?
We’re back with another giant food recipe. I could honestly go on for weeks – if not months – with giant recipes, but I feel like that scab has been picked until infected. The giant food boat has sailed. Hopefully it capsizes out at sea and we never fucking see it again.
But we’ll squeeze one more in because that’s what we do around here.
So there’s a video floating around of a woman who places a chocolate cake on the counter and proceeds to….you know what, never mind.
There’s also this other video floating around of a french onion soup burger. The thing is legit. They went all out with it. Cheese. Carmelized onions. More cheese. It’s literally the Peter North of the burger world.
Seeing the video inspired me to knock a french onion soup burger off of my ever growing lists of ideas.
With my burger I wanted to do an actual play on soup. I wanted my burger to be a “bowl” so it could house a pile of caramelized onions. (This is the same method I used with my scallop stuffed burger) Some cheese on top between two buttery toasted buns and BOOM. Both myself and Le Rivage missed the bus on serving these burgers with some sort of beef broth but you get that on the big jobs.
Start by caramelizing some onions. I used 3 medium yellow onions. Cook over medium heat in butter and oil until caramelized.
For the burgers I used pre-made patties. Normally I would hand press my own but I’ve been hooked on these pre-seasoned pub style burgers from Stop & Shop. Do your best to form them into somewhat of a bowl. I found using the bottom of a bar glass to be helpful with this step.
Fill your finished burger with the caramelized onions, top with cheese – I used American & provolone – and slide under the broiler until cheese starts to brown.
And that my friends is my version of a french onion soup burger.
Shepherds pie – or EBT lasagna as I like to call it – is hands down one of the most magnificent forms of American fusion since white rice and ketchup.
Reinventing the shepherds pie as a donut has easily solidified my position as one of the top pasty chefs in the modern world, as well as one of the top fucktards. Meat stuffed “pastry” with a mashed potato frosting, gravy drizzle, corn sprinkles & a green onion dusting.
You can spend hours online image searching ‘jalapeño popper chicken‘ (speaking from experience). It’s a total belly-boner situation.
In my opinion It’s the most literal form of visual food porn. Well there’s that and filming an actual porn with some food.
For some reason no one has had the audacity to stick a nice hunk of JPC – that’s jalapeño popper chicken for those of you who start paying attention 3 paragraphs in – between two slices of bread and serve it up on a comfortable looking bed of avocado.
That’s what we’re going to do today.
The first step is to flatten and season your boneless chicken breast. Season liberally. I used some cracked pepper, salt, crushed red pepper and some Italian seasoning.
Fill a few jalapeños with cream cheese, I cut the tops off and scooped out the majority of seeds, but I made sure to leave some so I could experience that sweet jalapeño heat.
Time to get the jalapeños wrapped up in the chicken. Once you have the chicken all wrapped up be sure to season the outside of it as well.
Get the chicken into a hot pan. The cast iron is nice because you can go from stop top to oven.
When the bottoms of the chicken breasts have a nice sear to them slide them in the oven at 375° for 35-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked. I finished them off under the broiler for a couple minutes to crisp the bacon up a bit more.
Finally you’ll build your sandwich. You’ll notice the chicken is HUGE. I think the only real way to battle this would be to cut the jalapeños in half the long way. It was a wide load to stuff into my mouth….but I still managed.
There are a variety of styles out there when it comes to jalapeño popper hot dogs. There are hot dogs topped with all of your usual jalapeño popper suspects. There are hot dogs topped with straight up jalapeño poppers. There’s the albino jalapeño popper dog my uncle used to serve up in his basement puzzle dungeon, and If you’re my good pal, Dan, From thefoodinmybeard.com your jalapeño popper hot dog comes with the hot dog inside of the jalapeño.
This recipe was actually set up to be the weeks SundayFunday video until I realized – other than looks – there was really nothing extreme enough to me to turn out a video for the recipe, so I figured a shot fucking blog post should do it.
I thought it would be cool to dress the buns up like a white trash cheese bread, pin some jalapeños to the dogs with toothpicks and spiral wrap some bacon around them. That’s it. All the fundamentals of a jalapeño popper served up on a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog. (I obviously had to go with Nathan’s being that it was the 4th of July and that’s when Nathan’s hot dog eating competition goes down)
The first step is to pin the jalapeños and bacon to the dogs. I sliced the bacon in half the long way to double my bacon stock. What I really should have done is spiraled the bacon up one way and back down in the opposite direction making some sort of fuckin bacon braid.
Throw together your bun-spread. Cream cheese, shredded cheddar and some cooked bacon because why the fuck not.
Now its time to get everything on the grill. Cook both the dogs and buns over indirect heat. I cooked the dogs first and when they looked to be about done I tossed on the buns. I hit the buns with a quick blow torch because America.
Hope you guys enjoyed this recipe but in the event that you didn’t you can kindly fuck off.
These buffalo chicken mac stuffed grillin’ taters are so easy that even if your everyday outfit includes a helmet and velcro shoes you should be able to knock this one out.
The whole operation can pretty much go down right at your fucking grill, which is nice because…well…that’s the point of grilling.
You may have seen similar recipes from the cunts at Buzzfeed or their Tasty platform or maybe even some random BBQ channel (these would be great on the smoker) on the ol’ YouTube….so we’re not exactly breaking new ground here. I even did something similar myself for the folks at Twisted a few months back when they sent me their cookbook.
The first step in this cluster fuck of an operation is to grill some buffalo-style chicken. Marinate the chicken in a generic hot sauce. I use Trappys. Toss the chicken on the grill and brush with with a 50/50 combo marinade made out of melted butter and more generic hot sauce.
Build yourself a trashbag mac the fuck cheese. Whenever I’m doing a recipe like this I like to grab one of those microwaveable macaroni and cheese dishes. NOT A FUCKING FROZEN ONE. Country Crock makes one as well as a few other brands. These are nice for a mac the fuck cheese on the fly because they’re easy to doctor up. All I added to this was an entire block of sharp cheddar(shredded) and the chopped up buffalo chicken tenders – which I could have chopped up a bit more so it was more present throughout the mac the fuck cheese.
Getting your potatoes ready is pretty self explanatory based on the fucking photo – but if you’re a window licker here you go:
-cut cooked potatoes
-cut bottom of the potatoes slightly so it can stand on its own
-wrap with bacon
-season with salt and pep.
You can do whatever the fuck you want with the potato guts. I like to hold on to them just in case you hollow out the potato too much and end up with a hole on the bottom. The potato guts make a great starchy bandaid for this.
Cooking them is easier than a Kardashian in an NBA locker room. Fill the potatoes with the mac the fuck cheese. Pack the mac in nice and tight. The pièce de résistance is the ice cream scooper-scoop on top. That’s what’s selling this whole fucking thing.
Set your grill to LOW. These are a low-and-slow operation. You don’t want the potato to burn before the bacon is cooked. You might have to play around on your grill, moving the potatoes in and out of direct heat until you find a good heat zone. Once you locate a good cook spot on the grill close the grill and fuck off, and I mean like…fuck off. Don’t open the grill for a while (15 minutes). You need the heat that’s in the grill to cook the bacon. If you tried to cook these with the grill open you would end up with raw bacon on top and burnt bacon towards the bottom.
When they’re done remove them and garnish with sour cream, green onion, bacon, jalapeños, spices – whatever your little hearts desire. The sour cream and green onion combo was a hit for me.
What we’re doing here today is a little something I like to call cooking a burger like a fucking champion.
I stumbled across a photo recently of a bacon wrapped burger (done up the same way you’ll see here) only it was filled with cheese. I was going to do one filled with French onion soup until a craving for scallops stage dived into my egg shaped fuck of a head.
The execution is simple. Burger bowl. Wrap with bacon. Season. Grill & fill.
Get yourself some fresh ground beef. I used 90/10 so it’s a little more lean than the 80/20 I would normally use. Form a decent patty and press the middle out to make a “bowl”. I used the bottom of a mug to help with this. You want to get in there with your phalanges and form it well. Wrap a slice of bacon around it and stick a toothpick in’er. Season the fuck out of it with some Old Bay before dropping on your grill.
You’re kind of fucked here if you’re looking for a medium/rare burger since you want the bacon to cook. You could always pre-cook the bacon a bit, that’s not how I fucking roll.
Once the bacon was cooked I flipped the burger over for just a couple of minute to add a char to the top side.
In a small cast iron pan I cooked the scallops with a little seasoning. I was originally was going to stick bacon wrapped scallops on/in the burger but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have that kind of meat-based real estate…and boy was I fucking right.
I spooned some sort of Cajun sauce in the burger. I’m not totally sure what the fuck it was since it was just some leftover sauce that came with some crab cakes I purchased. Stick as many scallops as you can comfortably fit in your burger bowl.
My last little trick was the bun. I spread a thin layer of mayo on the buns and seasoned them with more Old Bay before crisping them up on the grill.
There’s not much I would change with this sick as a bitch burger. You could raw dog it without the lettuce and tomato if you went heavier on the Cajun sauce. You need something. I avoided cheese because for some reason the thought of cheesy scallops made my dick shrivel like I was on an adderall bender. You could also season the scallops differently, maybe with a decent blackening spice.
The nicest thing about this whole operation is having the scallops sitting inside of the burger. When you take a bite they don’t go spilling over the sides like my fucking fat muffin top does over my jeans.
Potato Churro-Style Bun? Cheesy Corn? Sliced Gravy? (Yes, I said sliced gravy). All the necessary items to make THE ULTIMATE SHEPHERDS PIE BURGER.
What you have with a shepherds pie burger is a lot of things rolled into one. To begin you have shepherds pie – AKA white trash lasagna. The meal of single moms with two children who works 3 jobs to keep food on the table. It’s cheap. It’s easy to make. It’s filling. It’s fucking D E L I C I O U S. My favorite thing about shepherds pie is that everyone has their own version and somehow they’re all the same. Some people use gravy – others ketchup. Some people use cheese while others walk a more lactose intolerant path.
You also have the burger aspect. So not only are you having a classic American dish, you’re having it in the most American way:
A fucking burger.
The real lesson with this recipe is both the churro style potato bun (yes it’s made with potatoes you fuck) and the slices of brown gravy.
You’re going to use instant potatoes. You can use those shitty real ones if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your scumbag points up. 1 packet of potato, 1 cup of flour and a few eggs. This is all you need to make potato Churros.
The sliced gravy is even fucking easier than that. You’re going to use a trashy can of beef gravy. Make sure it’s under $1 so you know it’s fucking scummy. You can make your own gravy if you want but I strongly advise against it if you’re looking to keep your dirtbag status to full on fucking dickbag. 1 can of gravy – heated – mixed with a 1/4 cup of cold water that had 1 packet of flavorless gelatin mixed in. That’s it man. It ain’t fucking science. Think this thanksgiving I’ll make a big loaf of fucking jello-gravy and serve it by the slice.