We’ve all seen them. Bacon wrapped mozzarella sticks. I’ve even had bacon wrapped mozzarella sticks with a few jalapeños tucked under the fucking bacon which was L.A.F. (legit as fuck for those of you just joining us)
But why not more mozzarella sticks? Better yet…why not FOUR mozzarella sticks?
1 Slice of bacon per 4 mozzarella sticks. Thats it. That’s all you need. The mozzarella sticks are cooked with the bacon from frozen. If you try to use thawed or leftover mozzarella sticks you’re going to have a fucking blowout.
The trick is to cook them on MED-HIGH heat. You want the bacon to cook before the mozzarella has a chance to ejaculate out of its vessel.
Hotdogs are chill. Mac the fuck cheese is pretty chill. Hotdogs mixed in Mac the fuck cheese is chiller. A hot dog bun made out of Mac the fuck cheese that houses a bacon wrapped hot dog is the fucking chillest.
I’m a huge fan of wrapping paper towel tubes with tinfoil after seeing my girl Natasha from throughtheeyesofmybelly.com do it to make some bacon chocolate shot glasses. Literally. I’ve just been sitting around stoned as fuck wrapping tinfoil around paper towel tubes for no reason.
So I found a reason.
Hot dog bun made of Mac the fuck cheese. Super easy to make and all you need is some left over Mac the fuck cheese, a few eggs, and, you guessed it…a paper towel tube and some tin-the-fuck-foil.
The Breakfast Shooter. Not to be confused with a booze filled shooter. Unless you’re a sick enough fuck to pour some booze in, then I guess yeah, it’s a booze-breakfast shooter. I’m high.
I’m a simple breakfast dude. Bacon, ham, or sausage…eggs, potato and cheese. I don’t need to be “woo’d” with a fuckin’ buffalo chicken omelette or some shit…and you can shove a lobster eggs Benedict right up your benehole. (I’m referring to your asshole for those of you just joining us)
The nice thing about this recipe is you can make a shit ton of the potato “shot glasses” and store them in your shitty freezer. They fry up in the deep fryer about 5 minutes flat. The part I kind of fucked up was the size of the hole I made to hold the rest of the breakfast ingredients. For this probably would have had to use a bigger plastic mold. Whatever the fuck ever.
The potato mixture is simple. A few handful of shredded potato, handful of Parmesan cheese, pinch of shredded cheese, two eggs & whatever the fuck seasonings. Mix that shit all up and scoop into plastic cups that have been sprayed with cooking spray. Not sure if this helps with getting them out…just fucking do it.
Pack the potato mixture down with a spoon. With some sort of cannoli tube with tinfoil on the end-device, press a hole in the middle of that bitch. Work that shit all around until you have a nice vessel for the breakfast items. Stick in the freezer for 2 hours.
To free the potato from the plastic run some warm water in the outside of the cup and use a butter knife to fuck that shit up. Drop these bitches in the deep fryer for about 5 minutes (or until golden brown) at 375. Remove and fill with breakfast accessories.
Hot Dogs & Mac ‘n Cheese. The International meal-combo of people who constantly overdraft and bounce checks. You could easily cook a witches cauldrons’ worth for about 3 bucks. Using anything other than Kraft macaroni & cheese is such a sin that even ISIS wouldn’t take you the fuck in.
The real trick to making this bad bitch is being able to comfortably fit everything between two slices of white bread. (loaf purchased from Baller General for $.99) For this we use a method I like to call “squash the shit out of some of the bread with the bottom of a bar glass”
Once you’ve created a bread vessel (both slices), fill that nasty little hooker with some mac the fuck cheese and place slices of hot dog across the whole fuckin’ mess of it.
Pop the top on that bitch and commence bacon wrap. You’ll need 6 slices. 3 to lay each way. We’ve seen this method before with my bacon wrapped mozzarella buns.
Make sure the ends of the bacon all meet on the same side of the sandwich. This is important because when you put it into a hot pan you want that side to sear well so the whole shit doesn’t unravel.
When I put this shit into my pan, I also put like 4 dinner plates on top to add some weight to get a good sear. I don’t have a photo of that because I was high as shit from eating my weed-fried Oreos.
Cook it until you get a nice dark bacon crust on the side you put down. When the one side is nice and crispy looking, give’r a flip and cook the other side. No need for the plates on this side.
Here’s the part where I would normally call it a wrap and then read a bunch of comments where people are telling me the bacon isn’t cooked all the way and blah blah fucking blah.
So I stuck a skewer through the middle of the sandwich and cooked all of the sides for you cunts.
Bacon potato blunts. Basically a play on my bacannoli only with potato & cheese and not shit house cheese in a fuckin can this time.
Super easy to make if you have some cannoli tubes. If you don’t have cannoli tubes, I don’t know. Fuck off about it.
Wrap the cannoli tubes with bacon and bake(375 for 20-30) That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Make yourself a piping bag and pipe in whatever you’re looking to fill these fuckers with. Pipe your little prick in there for all that I care.
To get the bacon off of the tubes I wrapped my hand with a paper towel and shimmied them off like I was jerking a dick real slow from balls to tip. Literally.
Steak & Lobster style surf ‘n turf is cool…if you’re a fucking loser. Swap the cow for pig every time.
I actually wanted to use some Alaskan King Crab for this recipe, but I had some vacuum sealed lobster from the last time I cooked lobsters. Which proved to fuck me in the end because it was rubbery as fuck and tasted like a cock.
I was able to mask the stank of the lobster with 2 pounds of extra thick Smithfield Bacon sprinkles. I’m not sure what the proper name of the pie pan I used is, but I’m gonna call it pie pan with a belt.
Pretty easy to cook and I really could have went in any direction with this fucker. Pulled pork and scallops. Chicken and shrimp. Fuckin’ pigs feet and uni, I don’t fuckin’ know.
You’re breakfast sucks. This one doesn’t. Any time you have to option of baking something with sausage & bacon, you bake something with sausage and bacon.
All I did was follow the fantastic instructions on the blueberry whatever the fuck mix box. You’ll end up cooking it longer (about 40 minutes) because she’s a real thick bitch of a breakfast bake. Top with a runny egg and fuck off about your day.
After you get done fondling your husbands dirty sweaty fuck sack, make him one of these bitches to put that fat fuck to sleep so you can watch repeat episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
Here’s an easy one. All you need is bacon, chocolate, and Rice Krispies Treats. I went with just the store bought treats because I don’t really have time to sit around and watch marshmallows fucking melt. I guess if you’re a real go hard you can make your own.
It might have been more beneficial to make my own, or at least use bigger treats. I tried a couple of the treats with one slice of bacon but they really wanted to fucking melt, so two slices was the way to go. After I cooked the bacon I stuck them in the fridge for a while so the marshmallow wouldn’t be so cummy. Melt some chocolate, dip them in, and let them cool off in the fridge.
