The other day my lovely wife said to me that she wished she had a cheeseburger cutlet. The alcohol flowing through my veins was unable to comprehend what in the fuck she meant by all of this.
Mac ‘n Cheese Encased Burger & Hamburger Helper Fries
Baconator Dumplings & Frosty Sandwich
Head on down to your local Wendy’s hot spot and get buck fuckin’ wild in your kitchen tonight!
[HOW TO] Ultimate Cheeseburger Grinder
It’s soda-not pop, it’s a packy-not a liquor story, and it’s a grinder-not a fuckin’ hero, sub, wedge, or hoagie
At least if you’re from New England….
I love grinders and my stretch marks tell that story for me. It’s like each small tear in the skin on my love handles tells a story of mayonnaise, cheese, and various piled high cold cuts. They also tell the story of 8.0% beers, ice cream, chips, no exercise, naps, soda, and zero fucks.
The cheeseburger grinder is the unscheduled-surprise mustache ride of the grinder world…legit as fuck.
I wanted to take the cheeseburger to the next level. We’ve seen french fry buns from DudeFoods, and we’ve seen my burger encased in a “fry bomb”, so naturally a grinder was next on the chopping block.
The fries are prepared pretty much the same way I prepared them with the burger bomb. Nuke some frozen fries in the microwave until they’re soggy, mix with cheese, and form into whatever the fuck you want. Next week I’m going to make a Kardashian out of fries and hate fuck it for a while.
[HOT TO] Flamin’ Hot Whopper Chips
Deep frying fast food is a surefire way to clear up any blockage you might be having in your anal department. We’ve seen the deep fried Big Mac. We’ve seen deep fried Cheeseburger Chips. Shit, I even deep fried a McGangbang just for the fuck of it.
Which led me to create this pile of fucking shit. Cheetos Flamin’ Hot BAKED Whopper chips. Not my most creative work, but delicious none the less. My suggestion to anyone who constantly breads things with…well..bread, is to make the permanent switch to Cheetos crumbs. I know I’ve beaten the Flamin’ Hot dick dry, but its what I do. I beat dicks dry. Not like…beating a dick without any lube..but like…beating a dick until nothing else comes out.
Execution is simple. Get a whopper…bread with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos…and bake. Dip in ketchup like a real man. AND…if you’re a REAL man, you’ll get two Whoppers, bread and deep-the-fuck-fry a whole one just to show the world the amount of fuck you don’t give.
How to Make The Best Thanksgiving Sandwich
The Thanksgiving sandwich. The undisputed World Heavyweight Champion of all leftover sandwiches. You don’t need a large list of shit to make a leftover Thanksgiving sandwich. All you need are some fucking leftovers.
Generally enjoyed after a hearty bong-load, drunk at 2am, or more fashionably…like two fucking hours after you’ve already piled 4 pounds of food in your fat fucking mouth.
The standard leftover sandwich in my eyes must at least consist of the following:
-Turkey
-Cranberry sauce
-Stuffing
-Gravy
-Bread
Anything in addition to these ingredients is a bonus. Green been casserole, bacon, cheese, and turnip are amongst some common bonus ingredients, without the addition of someone actually adding turnip to this masterpiece and fucking ruining it.
The sandwich is generally served on some old fashioned white bread or possibly even on some leftover dinner rolls, thus creating Thanksgiving sliders.
Fuck that.
I decided to go with a more “me” version to stand in for the bread. Made a couple of stuffing-patties stuffed with the finest of American cheeses. Make the patties, freeze them, egg wash, bread & fucking deep fry.
For the turkey I pretty much did the same thing I did with the stuffing, only I filled the patty with cranberry sauce, wrapped it with bacon, and cooked in a cast iron. I guess this is actually nothing like how I did the stuffing. Fuck you.
For the whole build I kept it pretty simple with the addition of some green bean casserole and and runny as all fuck egg.
This thing was a real kick in the cunt to try and eat in a classic burger stance, so I eventually made the switch to a large soup ladle to assist with the shoveling of food into my shit-filled fucking grease hole.
Bone Marrow Burger
Much like your father, I enjoy some good bone inside of me.
Unlike your father, I enjoy that bone marrow’d and not in my ass. Unless it’s your fathers bone.
It’s a little absurd I made it almost 30 years on this planet without ever having fucked a blonde, or trying bone marrow.
The bone marrow burger is delicious as fuck. Super simple. You roast some bone marrow, let it cool and mix into some ground beef.
I used 1 pound of ground beef and four large bone marrow…pieces? Mixed it all together and made two 8oz patties. Gave a decent sear on each side before tossing under the broiler to melt the American cheese. If you use anything other than American cheese stick your fucking face in a meat grinder.
Bacon-Mac Pinwheel Buns
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I often dream of living in a world where burger buns have thrown to the fucking wind. Bread is terrible and makes you fucking fat.
Cinnamon bun burgers, Mac n cheese buns, and ramen buns. This is the kind of shit that gets my cock hard, and not just like regular hard. The kind of hard where even if you try to make it go away by thinking of your grandmothers tits, your cock prevails, grows larger, and really gets the blood flowing to the head.
The key to this, and almost any other bacon inspired operations, is the quality and thickness of your meat. although it still tastes great, cheap bacon cooks like fucking shit. Especially when your looking to build a weave out of that shit. So go with the thick ‘heady’ bacon.
For this recipe you’re going to build yourself a bacon weave. You’re going to want to build it on a baking sheet because we’re going to cook it off a bit. Cook the weave at 425 for about 15 minutes. After cooking off, place the weave on a cutting board and layer on some cold mac the fuck cheese. Leave a decent amount of empty space at one end. Roll the weave up the long way towards the side with the space.
The next step is a little fucky, but you’re going to slice off 1 inch slices of the bacon toboggan, and pin the bacon together with a toothpick. It might be easier to stick it in the freezer for three shakes of a lambs cunt before cutting it. After slicing it, lay on a cutting board and freeze for two hours. Remove the “buns” from the freezer, remove the toothpicks, and follow standard frying procedures. (375 for 7-10 minutes)
French Fry Burger Taco
Much like Farrah Abraham self-proclaims herself the Kim Kardashian of New York, Id like to proclaim myself the fuck Farrah Abraham, that whack ass porn you made fucking sucks you long faced-lookin’ like you’ve been swinging around in a bat cave by your feet poor excuse for a parent.
I don’t like to jerk my own dick but let’s face it, I love reinventing the taco shell with other terrible food. It all started with the Ramen Taco. Then came Big Mac Taco, Rebuen Taco, S’mores Taco, Ice Cream Cookie Dough Taco, Spaghetti & Meatball Taco, and now…French Fry Burger Taco.
I know there have been arguments amongst the cunty trolls on my pages, that none of these are tacos..but neither are the shitty Ortega tacos your fat bitch of a wife is making at home with wheat shells and ground turkey, but you don’t see me siting here calling her a worthless cunt. So who gives a flying fuck.
Some of you are familiar with my previous French fry workings. The Burger Fry Balls, and the overcooked in the middle Burger Fry Bomb.
It was only a matter of time before the Fry Taco Shell filled with all of your burger fixin’s.
The fries are prepared same as with the other fry recipes. I chop up some fries, mix them with shredded cheese, nuke them in the microwave for a good 30 seconds. Form the fries into the desires shape I need.
For the fry shells the desired shape is a circle. The easiest way to go about this is to lay the nuked cheesy fries out on a flat surface, and let cool slightly. You know what? Just watch the fuckin’ video. (Bake at 450 for 15 minutes)
Bacon Wrapped Mozzarella Buns
Since it’s become extremely fashionable for BuzzFeed (the ISIS of click bait) to lack originality and turn to ripping off recipes from some of my good friends in this food community I am a part of, I thought I would do the same to them.
I’m not sure whose calling the shots over at FuckedFeed, or whose in charge of these little food video recipes they have been putting together, but consider this write up and recipe a formal invitation to whoever is involved to park their lips on my tiny cock hole.
That being said, a few weeks back CuntFeed posted a video of a bacon wrapped grilled cheese. I know, extremely creative seeing as how DudeFoods.com did this in 2012. (Along with his bacon weave ice cream sandwich, which ShitFeed also ripped off)
I’m not going to post their shitty video, but I will post this eerily similar video of my recipe for bacon wrapped mozzarella bricks. Easily enjoyed alone, or replacing the buns on your common burger.
Yo FuckedFeed, just stick to ‘Whose cock from Game Of Thrones belongs in your mouth’ and ‘Americans taste cocks from other men in their neighborhood’ type-posts.
Suck my dick.