Deep Fried Ranch Dressing Is A Lot Like Finding Your Mothers Thong
It fucking stinks.
I’ll be the first to admit I fucking hate ranch. I’m not sure when this whole ranch thing started but I’m here to fucking end it. This is peak ranching. There will never be a greater ranch creation and I’ve already made ranch Jello Jigglers so don’t fuckin’ try me.
This is actually an idea I’ve been toying with for a while. Initially I was going to make ranch jello, bread & deep fry it. I’m assuming the ranch would have turned back into its liquid-ranch state as soon as it was heated in the oil creating just a mess of a fucking time. So I decided to mix the ranch with fresh breadcrumbs. Fucking brilliant. This is a total game changer when it comes to deep frying. We now have a way to deep fry liquids without just deep frying liquids. BBQ Sauces, butter, alcohol. You fuckin name it. If it’s a liquid or “liquidy” we’re fuckin’ fryin’ it.
The whole “process” is a walk in the park. Fresh breadcrumbs. a bottle of ranch and hot oil. I also missed a huge opportunity to use powdered ranch. The fried ranch balls were ranchy but most definitely could have been “ranchier”
Pizza Fritters Are The National Pizza Month Item You Never Knew You Were Missing.
October is a fantastic month. We’ve got Halloween, which is an amazing celebration of diabetes. The weather is beginning to cool making it less stressful on our inner thighs – And most importantly we have an entire month dedicated to the life of Pizza.
We’ve celebrated NPM in the past with things like Pizza Koozies & Pizza Wings, but to celebrate this month I wanted to do something cheap and easy. Something you could potentially make with shit thats just sitting in your cupboard. Flour, eggs, butter and you’ve got yourself the main happenings of a fritter fuck-fest.
The first step is to round up all necessary ingredients. Now, the recipe I have is a blend of multiple recipes from across the internet. A little pinch from a fritter recipe, a little dash of hushpuppy and BOOM, we’ve got ourselves a fuckin’ pizza fritter.
1 1/2 C Flour
1 C Cornmeal
2 Eggs
1/2 Stick Butter (melted)
1/2 TBL baking powder
1/2 TBL Baking soda
1 CUP Milk
Garlic
Mozzarella
Garlic Salt
Italian Seasoning
Mini-Roni
LETS GET OUR PIZZA FRITTER FUCK FEST ON!
Combine everything in a large as fuck bowl and mix well. You can add all sorts of other shit in here if thats your sort of thing. I think keeping the fritters simple and then topping them with more shit is the best way to go about this recipe.
Once I had my mixture all…..mixed, I stuck that shit in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes. I’m not sure if this was a necessary part of the process, but thats where I put it while I let my fryer come up to temp (350°)
Now we’re ready to fry! You’re going to form the mixture into little (or big) balls. A little slice of advice – rub your hands with a little vegetable oil or fresh semen to prevent the batter from sticking to your grubby fucking fingers. Once you have a nice ball formed drop that shit into the hot oil and fry for 4-5 minutes or until a golden brown. Some of the balls might bust open a bit. You can peel that little defect off when they’re done cooking if you prefer a nice round ball.
All thats left is to plate up your Pizza Fritters. I tossed mine in a french fry holder, hit them with some sauce, cheese, mini-roni and tossed them in my air fryer on 275° for about 5 minutes. Thats it. Thats all there is to a fuckin’ pizza fritter.
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After a lot of back and forth-ing with various quesadilla ideas I finally settled on quesadillas with a stick in them.
I was clusterfucked in my head between a deep fried quesadilla pizza (which I’ve already kind of done) quesadilla stuffed onion rings, or some sort of whacked out quesadilla ravioli.
I settled on quesadilla pops because I thought it would be chill to make a handheld food more….hand holdable? That and it also opens the door to a dipping potential. The problem with the current state of Quesadilla is that you have to peel it back to put salsa, sour cream and whatever the fuck else you want to put in the finished quesadilla. I realize you could just put the extra toppings on top of the quesadilla but that’s not how I fucking roll.
The first step is to make a thick as tits quesadilla. I found the best way to do this was in some sort of pie or springform pan that’s the same size as your tortillas.
Place a tortilla in the pan and top with some shredded cheese. Load your quesadilla blend on top. I typically gravitate towards poultry when making quesadillas. You could go a steak & cheese route, or maybe even some sort of pork and rice – I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing when I cook.
A little seasoned chicken, a ton of cheese, and some select veggies.
Place some more cheese on top of your blend. This will help hold the tortilla shell to the quesadilla blend. When all is said and done place some weight on top. Stick in the fridge for a few hours.
Remove the quesadilla from the pan and slice into 4 equal section.
Time to bread and fry. Coat with egg wash, bread crumbs, back in the egg wash and then fry. Server with various dipping sauces.
These are all things we have no idea how or why they work…they just do.
Wrapping chicken skin around frozen-dollar store mozzarella sticks and frying them off in your $20 countertop deep fryer is next level. It only takes a few minutes of frying and you’re left with this crispy/salty/cheesy stick of fucking greatness.
Before muff-diving my way into this recipe I had to decide which “cut?” of chicken I should use for the skin. I purchased a package of drums and a package of thighs. Not trying to brag or anything, thats just the kind of Google Ad Revenue I make.
The drums were fucked. Not enough skin to wrap my little pecker if I tried. The thighs were where it was at. The skin was fairly easy to remove, and with the leftover chicken I was able to make a white trash chicken soup. (chicken-a few packets of ramen-couple cans of veggies-jar of pasta sauce-various fucking spices)
You’ll be left with some sort of skin-tag looking corner of the chicken skin…just cut that shit the fuck off.
What I should have done before wrapping the mozzarella sticks with the skin – was season the skin. I could have went wild here. Maybe a jerk chicken or a BBQ seasoning. Maybe get a rosemary and parmesan thing rockin’…but nope. I took the fuckboi way out and seasoned them with nothing. I did end up hitting them before eating with a little S&P (thats salt & pepper for those of you who get in the shower before turning on the water. Fucking terrorist)
I fried them for roughly 5 minutes, or until the cheese started to pre-ejaculate its way out of the mozzarella stick. Would have liked to fry for longer. Maybe next time I’ll pan fry them instead of frying them.
Today I’ll be revisiting an old recipe. Cheetos Mac ‘n Cheese Donuts. I caught a video the other day from Glam Doll Donuts of their new mac ‘n cheese donut that they’re doing and figured it was an appropriate time to attack this fuckin recipe again.
Something a little different this week. Picked up these shitty Jimmy Dean Hash Browns and decided instead of making something with them I would show you guys how to make your own.
The other day my lovely wife said to me that she wished she had a cheeseburger cutlet. The alcohol flowing through my veins was unable to comprehend what in the fuck she meant by all of this.
