Giant Stuffed Tater Tot

Tater tots. I’m not sure why we haven’t completely replaced french fries on menus with tots at this point in history. They’re crunchier on the outside, creamier in the middle, easier to dress up, and flat out just fucking taste better.

But few places actually serve them and I can’t figure the fuck out why.

The only way to fill your tot fix is to eat a fucking trash bag full, or make a huge as fuck stuffed one.

I’ve actually had a giant tot before from The Easy Pie in Braintree, MA and it was fucked up delicious. Like the type of fucked up where you would let Casey Anthony babysit for the weekend while you were away. The kind of fucked up where you would let Ray Rice take your daughter to an elevator museum.

The recipe is fairly simple. Peel and boil about 7 large potatoes for 10 minutes. Run those fuckers through a cheese grater and mix with a few fist-fulls of shredded cheese, bacon, and whatever the fuck ever. Load the mixture onto some plastic wrap, and roll that shit up. Stick in the freezer for a couple of hours.

*make sure the tot will fit into your shitty fryer before freezing.

Remove from the freezer and fry at 375 for 10-15 minutes.

French Fry Burger Bomb

I didn’t really know what else to call this. I was originally going to call it the burger that fucked your mom, but I can’t think of a mom that could actually take this thing in the sack. So Burger Bomb it is.

I used the same method with the fries as I did with my burger balls. Formed them around a burger that I had seared on both sides with a few slices of cheese in the mix. Yes I am aware the burger is over cooked but suck my fucking balls about it. I had to cook the fucking thing a little longer than I had thought so the burger cooked too. Fuck off.

BUY THE BEST COOKBOOK IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

Marinara Stuffed Mozzarella Sticks

As I stated before, right now I’m all about convenience. Any time I can eat and fondle myself at the same time, is a good time. Mozzarella sticks are great. Know whats not great? Trying to drive, eat, and play with my balls all while I try to dip a fried cheese stick in some fucking marinara.

I’m sure there is an easier way to do this, but I like to make things difficult as fuck. I cut some fat boy straws down, filled them with marinara, and froze that shit. Its not the most beautiful thing in the world, but like I said to my pal Elie from Foodbeast, perfection ain’t always beautiful.

For the cheese I went with slices of Sargento Mozzarella. I ended up having to soften each slice up for about 6 seconds in the microwave to be able to roll up the marinara tubes. I folded in the sides of the cheese, roll it up, and pinched the edges the fuck shut. To get the marinara out of the star I just poked it out with my skinny baby dick.

I stuck them in the freezer for about an hour. When I took them out I egg washed them, breaded, egg washed, and breaded again. Back into the freeze box for another hour. Pulled those delicious little fuckers out of the freezer and into the fryer at 375 for about 2 /12 minutes. The cheese was nice and hot while the marinara in the middle was more of a room temp.

Burger & Fry Balls

Anyways, in spirit of yesterdays Mashed Potato & Gravy Balls, here is a Cheesburger Fry Ball. I know, I know…no bacon. Suck me dry. I wasn’t 100% on this actually being as easy as it was, so I kept it simple.

I tooled around with the thought that I might have to make these first and freeze them, or maybe egg wash them and bread them. I was fucking mistaken.

I took some leftover fries from mine and my wife poutine dinner last night and nuked them in the microwave for a minute. I chopped and mixed the fries with a handful of shredded cheddar cheese.

I formed the fries around some store bought, but not frozen, meatballs. Yeah, they’re turkey meatballs because they were on fucking sale suck my dirt tunnel about it. I figured it would be 10x easier to use meatballs instead of fucking around with temperatures to get raw meat in the middle to cook.

Notice the lack of oil in the pan. I’m not sure if this was better than actually deep frying it, but all I had to do was roll the balls around (in my mouth like a normally do) in the oil for a few minutes.

Plate that shit and serve with ketchup. Pay close attention to the wood paneling in my fucking dining room.

LEARN YOUR FUCKING SELF

BUY THE BEST COOKBOOK IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

Mashed Potato & Gravy Balls

Right now I’m all about convenience. I’ve got a kid on the way, and the easier something is to eat the more time I have to mess around with some tits before they are all hogged up by a fucking little ass person.

Ive fucked around with Green Bean Casserole Potato Balls, and my boy Nick from DUDEFOODS.COM has a pretty similar recipe for Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes. Not really sure why he ended up going with butter instead of gravy, but I’m guessing its because he was touched by another man when he was younger. Kidding boo, love you.

My first attempt at this was a fucking wash. I used some instant potatoes because they’re fucking delicious. To be able to form potato around some gravy, I froze the gravy in ice cube trays. Mistake I made the first time was forming the balls and sticking them in the fridge to let the gravy cubes un-freeze a bit. Stupid. Turned the potato balls into fucking potato mush fuck piles.

Second attempt I dove right in. Formed the potato around the gravy cubes and gave them a quick egg/milk wash. Dropped them into a 50/50 combo of AP flour & cornmeal, back in the wash, back in the flour combo, into the fucking fry bath. Would have loved to get my hands on some mini ice cube trays and made these cocksuckers a little more bite size.

Doritos Crusted Carne Asada Balls

So I did an interview. I was asked if I could come up with an OC inspired recipe. Problem was, every time I was in CA I was drunk as fuck. So after about 1:34 seconds of research I decided to go with this “carne asada” shit. Never had it in my life, but how could you really go wrong with marinated beef?

Pulled Pork Stuffed Mac the Fuck Cheese Balls

The Vulgar Chef