One of the wonderful benefits about being a complete scumbag is you get to use your body as a filtering system for all types of scummy food.
A trashbag crunchwrap is the peak of scummy food. Shitty meat. Shitty macaroni. Other various shot as fuck ingredients. There’s nothing to not like about not liking not a Trashbag Crunchwrap.
I’ve been in a love hate relationship with top round steak lately. I love the price but I hate the fucking cut. Big slab of cunt meat with no fat. One way to bring this cut to flavor town is to grind it up and mix it with other shit. My white trash burger patty is actually just ground top round and bacon. The cut itself has a great “steak flavor” in my opinion, it just needs a little fat to help it on its way.
For this scummy recipe I mixed the beef with spices & ground pepperoni. The roni gives it a nice greasy and spicy profile. I’m not sure if greasy and spicy is a profile but who the fuck cares.
Lets get wrappin’
Grind up the beef and mix with various spices and some sort of fat. Black pepper, salt, & chili powder were my go to spices.
To bring this shit next level I dumped a bunch of Goya Sofrito in while it was cooking. This shit is great. If it came in boofable tablets I’d be shoving a minimum of 3 in me per day.
If you’re lazy as fuck – like myself – you’ll want to stay away from making a homemade mac ‘n cheese. My signature move is purchasing a pre-made mac and just doctoring it up. Some cheese, jalapeños, bacon etc.
The final step in this elaborate fucking process is to put it all together.
Closing Out Basic Bitch Season With A Proper Burger.
Basic bitch season is great if you’re into finger banging girls who dip their chicken tenders in ketchup and smell like pumpkin mayonnaise. Yoga pants are cool, but as the Great Bill Burr once said “I’ve been to enough yoga classes to know what those pants smell like”.
For todays recipe I had to dig deep and channel my inner bitch. In fact, I believe I may have dug a little too deep. A burger with pumpkin buns probably isn’t what the world needed right now but its what the worlds fucking getting.
I Like The Way You Basic Bitch….Burger
The most basic bitch thing about this burger is you have to go pumpkin picking to source your bun. Yeah you could go to the grocery store or a fuckin’ farmers market but I suggest going right into the belly of the basic bitch beast. I’m a father. Pumpkin picking is some shit I do. When I was younger it was the thrill of the hayride out to find the best pumpkin I could find that got my blood flowing. Now its the thrill of seeing 12 white girls out on a pumpkin patch in 40° weather just to take a picture that really makes me want to stab myself.
The Basic Bitch Burger recipe is pretty straightforward. Pumpkin Bun. Pumpkin Mayo. Burger. Thats It.
Slice your pumpkin in half and season it with cinnamon, brown sugar and salt. Bake at 350° for about 45 minutes or until it’s tender enough to stick a toothpick into.
While all of that tom fuckin’ foolery is going down you can whip up some pumpkin spice mayo. It’s pretty much everything you’d expect it to be. Cinnamon. Brown Sugar. Pumpkin. Mayo. Now I actually didn’t hate this. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it.
All thats left to do is cook a burger and build this Ugg season fuck of a burger.
Those of you that follow along on Instagram most likely saw some insta-story action of my trying to choke down some NyQuil Jell-O. Well, if you couldn’t tell from the headline thats whats going on with this blog post.
The nice thing about NyQuil Jell-O is that it’s as terrible as you’d fucking imagine it to be. Jell-O by itself is already trash and adding Americas favorite nighttime cocktail to it only makes it worse. Sure I could have done DayQuil or even some Robitussin but NyQuil just seemed like the appropriate over the counter heroin to mix in. Shout out Bill Cosby for the inspiration.
There aren’t many steps to making NyQuil Jell-O. You basically follow the instructions on the Jell-O box and sub the cold water for a blend of water & NyQuil.
Its with great pleasure that I announce to you guys that we finally have a t-shirt again for the first time in about 3 years. We also have a recipe video to go along with the shirt! Thank you to ADRIEL for designing the shirt and SEEK & STRIKE for hosting the launch! Make sure you guys send me photos of you wearing the Zomburger shirt! God bless and hail Satan.
The meatloaf sandwich is the official sandwich of sweaty under-tit.
There’s a fine line of people who do and do not eat meatloaf and you can usually draw that line with household income…or something. Basically what I’m trying to say is meatloaf is the filet mignon of trailer park cooking and we wouldn’t want it any other fucking way. Rich people don’t deserve to eat a dish as cultured and delicious as meatloaf.
Typically a meatloaf sandwich is made with leftover meatloaf…I don’t have time to be meatin’ and loafin’ around my fuckin kitchen just to make a leftover meatloaf sandwich.
For this weeks recipe I wanted to take pasta for a walk down Please Squat on My Face Boulevard. Some heat. Some meat. Some cheese. The holy trinity of get the fuck in my mouth.
UNOs Pizzeria & Grill offers up a rattlesnake pasta of their own. I’ve never had it but judging from the pictures I’ve seen I can only imagine it tasting the way a library card catalog smells.
I wanted to take their version and face-fuck it into oblivion. I wanted more meat. More cheese. More heat. I also wanted to serve it up as a bake instead of your classic pile of pasta on a plate.
The first step is to season the water you’ll be boiling your pasta in. You can do this with a variety of spices. I took it to a dickheaded level and seasoned my water with fucking hot sauce like a savage. You can cook the pasta ahead of time since most of our focus will be on building the legit as fuck sauce.
Cook your bacon in a large cast iron – or large oven safe skillet – on MED-HIGH heat. You’re going to want a big ‘ol fucker since this is a 1 dish fuck-fest. Once there bacon is cooked you’re going to cook your steak directly in the bacon grease like a fucking animal.
No you’re just looking to basically sear the steaks. You don’t want to completely cook them since they will be going into the oven. Cook the garlic in the now steak & bacon grease until your kitchen smells like two Italians fuckin’ in the back of an Olive Garden. Add your 4 TBL of butter and slowly mix in your 1/4 Cup of flour. Congratulations. You’re building a legit as fuck roux.
Once the roux has browned up a bit add 1 Cup of milk and 1 Cup half & half. Stir that shit until it’s thicker than the ugly kardashian. Add all of your cheeses and stir until melted.
Once the cheese is nice and melted its time to get everyone in the fucking pot. Stir until well blended, top with bacon & jalapeño and bake at 400 for 15-20 minutes. Enjoy, you posers.
After a lot of back and forth-ing with various quesadilla ideas I finally settled on quesadillas with a stick in them.
I was clusterfucked in my head between a deep fried quesadilla pizza (which I’ve already kind of done) quesadilla stuffed onion rings, or some sort of whacked out quesadilla ravioli.
I settled on quesadilla pops because I thought it would be chill to make a handheld food more….hand holdable? That and it also opens the door to a dipping potential. The problem with the current state of Quesadilla is that you have to peel it back to put salsa, sour cream and whatever the fuck else you want to put in the finished quesadilla. I realize you could just put the extra toppings on top of the quesadilla but that’s not how I fucking roll.
The first step is to make a thick as tits quesadilla. I found the best way to do this was in some sort of pie or springform pan that’s the same size as your tortillas.
Place a tortilla in the pan and top with some shredded cheese. Load your quesadilla blend on top. I typically gravitate towards poultry when making quesadillas. You could go a steak & cheese route, or maybe even some sort of pork and rice – I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing when I cook.
A little seasoned chicken, a ton of cheese, and some select veggies.
Place some more cheese on top of your blend. This will help hold the tortilla shell to the quesadilla blend. When all is said and done place some weight on top. Stick in the fridge for a few hours.
Remove the quesadilla from the pan and slice into 4 equal section.
Time to bread and fry. Coat with egg wash, bread crumbs, back in the egg wash and then fry. Server with various dipping sauces.
This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.
The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its going to take about 2 1/2 lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out.
Now you can go one of two ways here. You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for four smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.
Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.