Rattlesnake Pasta Bake

 

Italians don’t know shit about Pasta.

For this weeks recipe I wanted to take pasta for a walk down Please Squat on My Face Boulevard. Some heat. Some meat. Some cheese. The holy trinity of get the fuck in my mouth.

UNOs Pizzeria & Grill offers up a rattlesnake pasta of their own. I’ve never had it but judging from the pictures I’ve seen I can only imagine it tasting the way a library card catalog smells.

I wanted to take their version and face-fuck it into oblivion. I wanted more meat. More cheese. More heat. I also wanted to serve it up as a bake instead of your classic pile of pasta on a plate.

The first step is to season the water you’ll be boiling your pasta in. You can do this with a variety of spices. I took it to a dickheaded level and seasoned my water with fucking hot sauce like a savage. You can cook the pasta ahead of time since most of our focus will be on building the legit as fuck sauce.

Cook your bacon in a large cast iron – or large oven safe skillet – on MED-HIGH heat. You’re going to want a big ‘ol fucker since this is a 1 dish fuck-fest. Once there bacon is cooked you’re going to cook your steak directly in the bacon grease like a fucking animal.

No you’re just looking to basically sear the steaks. You don’t want to completely cook them since they will be going into the oven. Cook the garlic in the now steak & bacon grease until your kitchen smells like two Italians fuckin’ in the back of an Olive Garden. Add your 4 TBL of butter and slowly mix in your 1/4 Cup of flour. Congratulations. You’re building a legit as fuck roux.

Once the roux has browned up a bit add 1 Cup of milk and 1 Cup half & half. Stir that shit until it’s thicker than the ugly kardashian. Add all of your cheeses and stir until melted.  

Once the cheese is nice and melted its time to get everyone in the fucking pot. Stir until well blended, top with bacon & jalapeño and bake at 400 for 15-20 minutes. Enjoy, you posers.

Quesadilla Pops

After a lot of back and forth-ing with various quesadilla ideas I finally settled on quesadillas with a stick in them.

I was clusterfucked in my head between a deep fried quesadilla pizza (which I’ve already kind of done) quesadilla stuffed onion rings, or some sort of whacked out quesadilla ravioli.

I settled on quesadilla pops because I thought it would be chill to make a handheld food more….hand holdable? That and it also opens the door to a dipping potential. The problem with the current state of Quesadilla is that you have to peel it back to put salsa, sour cream and whatever the fuck else you want to put in the finished quesadilla. I realize you could just put the extra toppings on top of the quesadilla but that’s not how I fucking roll.

The first step is to make a thick as tits quesadilla. I found the best way to do this was in some sort of pie or springform pan that’s the same size as your tortillas. 

Place a tortilla in the pan and top with some shredded cheese. Load your quesadilla blend on top. I typically gravitate towards poultry when making quesadillas. You could go a steak & cheese route, or maybe even some sort of pork and rice – I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing when I cook.

A little seasoned chicken, a ton of cheese, and some select veggies. 

Place some more cheese on top of your blend. This will help hold the tortilla shell to the quesadilla blend. When all is said and done place some weight on top. Stick in the fridge for a few hours.

Remove the quesadilla from the pan and slice into 4 equal section. 

Time to bread and fry. Coat with egg wash, bread crumbs, back in the egg wash and then fry. Server with various dipping sauces.

Bacon Weave Breakfast Pizza

This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.

The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its  going to take about 2 1/2 lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out. 

Now you can go one of two ways here. You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for four smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.

Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Pizza Wings

Just because I’m not on the boozing my face off wagon doesn’t mean I can’t throw down on my 2nd Pabst Blue Ribbon/Foodbeast national pizza month collaboration.

PBR pizza Koozie and now PBR pizza wings. Shouts out to the foodbeast team for throwing together this beautiful video and bringing my recipe to life.

1 Cup PBR

1 Cup AP Flour

1 Egg

1 tsp salt

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp dried oregano 

2 1/2 – 3lb chicken wings.

1 1/2 Cups shredded mozzarella

1/2 Cup marinara

1/4 Cup chopped or mini pepperoni.

Veg. or canola oil for frying.

In a large bowl mix together PBR, flour, egg, oregano, salt & pepper until well blended. Let rest for 10-15 minutes.

Pat chicken dry before coating a few pieces at a time in the batter.

Deep fry the wings at 350° for roughly 10 minutes or until an internal temp of 160°

Once the wings are done, place them on an oven safe pan. Coat with marinara, cheese, pepperoni and place under broiler on low or in the oven at 400° until the cheese has melted.

Ketchup Caviar

What you’re seeing here are the side effects of long term marijuana use.

The idea for ketchup caviar comes from a from a few things. It comes from watching molecular gastronomy videos, getting high and staring at one of those water & oil hourglass things that you would sometimes get in your Christmas stocking as a child.

The process is simple. Use geletin to make a ketchup “jello” and drop beads of the ketchup jello hybrid into some cold vegetable oil.

My first attempt was a bit of a failure. I dropped the ketchup beads into a mason jar filled with cold cooking oil. Everything looked great until I went to strain the “caviar”. It ended up sticking together like one big clump. This is when I went back for a second attempt and dropped the beads into a baking dish filled with a thin layer of oil instead.

The second time around I also doubled down on geletin. Two packets of geletin per cup of ketchup. 

Ketchup game: destroyed.

I will mention that once the ketchup warms up it starts to lose its form. I’m not sure if this could be solved with adding more jello or not, but eating a spoonful of these cold was a pretty strange experience.

 

Rice Krispies Treat Stuffed Peanut Butter Cups

For the past year or two (don’t quote me on that) Reese’s has been absolutely destroying the peanut butter cup game.

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Well I decided I wanted a little slice of that heaven. Actually, someone I work with suggested this idea so the only real credit I can take for this is the execution.

All that was said by my boy B-Sleazy was “I want a peanut butter cup with Rice Krispies Treat inside of it” and the rest is history. Well, not really history. More of just a YouTube video.

Twinkies® Stuffed Brownies

So this week I picked up a box of the new Red, White & Blue Twinkies®. Rather than just smoking myself stupid and choking down the entire box I decided I’d work out a blog post.

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I haven’t done a dessert recipe in a while and this weeks SundayFunday video is going to be Rice Krispies stuffed peanut butter cups….so consider this week a dessert overdose!

These are stupid easy. Brownie mix, Twinkies and cookie dough for a base. I used a 9×9 baking dish and laid down a layer of cookie dough. I baked it at 350° for about 7 minutes just until it softened up so I could spread it around.

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If you use a 12×12 baking dish you should be able to go 2 Twinkies® wide all over this tit-job. I had to break off about 1/2 Twinkie® to fill the void.

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Cover with brownie mix and bake at 325° for 45 minutes. I actually baked them for 45 minutes, shut the oven off & let them sit in the oven for another 20-30 minutes since the center was still a little gooey. It still ended up a bit gooey but thats the way I fuckin’ like it. You could probably cook them at a lower temp for longer if you don’t like your brownies soft and gooey.

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Super delicious. The cookie dough base isn’t as present as I hoped it would be. Maybe double that the next time I make these.

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Jalapeño Popper Dogs

There are a variety of styles out there when it comes to jalapeño popper hot dogs. There are hot dogs topped with all of your usual jalapeño popper suspects. There are hot dogs topped with straight up jalapeño poppers. There’s the albino jalapeño popper dog my uncle used to serve up in his basement puzzle dungeon, and If you’re my good pal, Dan, From thefoodinmybeard.com your jalapeño popper hot dog comes with the hot dog inside of the jalapeño.

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This recipe was actually set up to be the weeks SundayFunday video until I realized – other than looks – there was really nothing extreme enough to me to turn out a video for the recipe, so I figured a shot fucking blog post should do it.

I thought it would be cool to dress the buns up like a white trash cheese bread, pin some jalapeños to the dogs with toothpicks and spiral wrap some bacon around them. That’s it. All the fundamentals of a jalapeño popper served up on a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog. (I obviously had to go with Nathan’s being that it was the 4th of July and that’s when Nathan’s hot dog eating competition goes down)

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The first step is to pin the jalapeños and bacon to the dogs. I sliced the bacon in half the long way to double my bacon stock. What I really should have done is spiraled the bacon up one way and back down in the opposite direction making some sort of fuckin bacon braid.

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Throw together your bun-spread. Cream cheese, shredded cheddar and some cooked bacon because why the fuck not.

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Now its time to get everything on the grill. Cook both the dogs and buns over indirect heat. I cooked the dogs first and when they looked to be about done I tossed on the buns. I hit the buns with a quick blow torch because America.

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Hope you guys enjoyed this recipe but in the event that you didn’t you can kindly fuck off.

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Buffalo Chicken Mac ‘n Cheese Stuffed Potato Bombs

These buffalo chicken mac stuffed grillin’ taters are so easy that even if your everyday outfit includes a helmet and velcro shoes you should be able to knock this one out.

The whole operation can pretty much go down right at your fucking grill, which is nice because…well…that’s the point of grilling.

You may have seen similar recipes from the cunts at Buzzfeed or their Tasty platform or maybe even some random BBQ channel (these would be great on the smoker) on the ol’ YouTube….so we’re not exactly breaking new ground here. I even did something similar myself for the folks at Twisted a few months back when they sent me their cookbook.

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The first step in this cluster fuck of an operation is to grill some buffalo-style chicken. Marinate the chicken in a generic hot sauce. I use Trappys. Toss the chicken on the grill and brush with with a 50/50 combo marinade made out of melted butter and more generic hot sauce.

Build yourself a trashbag mac the fuck cheese. Whenever I’m doing a recipe like this I like to grab one of those microwaveable macaroni and cheese dishes. NOT A FUCKING FROZEN ONE. Country Crock makes one as well as a few other brands. These are nice for a mac the fuck cheese on the fly because they’re easy to doctor up. All I added to this was an entire block of sharp cheddar(shredded) and the chopped up buffalo chicken tenders – which I could have chopped up a bit more so it was more present throughout the mac the fuck cheese.

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Getting your potatoes ready is pretty self explanatory based on the fucking photo – but if you’re a window licker here you go:

-cook potatoes

-cut cooked potatoes

-hollow potatoes

-cut bottom of the potatoes slightly so it can stand on its own

-wrap with bacon

-season with salt and pep.

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You can do whatever the fuck you want with the potato guts. I like to hold on to them just in case you hollow out the potato too much and end up with a hole on the bottom. The potato guts make a great starchy bandaid for this.


Cooking them is easier than a Kardashian in an NBA locker room. Fill the potatoes with the mac the fuck cheese. Pack the mac in nice and tight. The pièce de résistance is the ice cream scooper-scoop on top. That’s what’s selling this whole fucking thing.

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Set your grill to LOW. These are a low-and-slow operation. You don’t want the potato to burn before the bacon is cooked. You might have to play around on your grill, moving the potatoes in and out of direct heat until you find a good heat zone. Once you locate a good cook spot on the grill close the grill and fuck off, and I mean like…fuck off. Don’t open the grill for a while (15 minutes). You need the heat that’s in the grill to cook the bacon. If you tried to cook these with the grill open you would end up with raw bacon on top and burnt bacon towards the bottom.

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When they’re done remove them and garnish with sour cream, green onion, bacon, jalapeños, spices – whatever your little hearts desire. The sour cream and green onion combo was a hit for me.

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