Trashbag Crunchwrap – It ain’t easy being scummy

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One of the wonderful benefits about being a complete scumbag is you get to use your body as a filtering system for all types of scummy food.

A trashbag crunchwrap is the peak of scummy food. Shitty meat. Shitty macaroni. Other various shot as fuck ingredients. There’s nothing to not like about not liking not a Trashbag Crunchwrap.

I’ve been in a love hate relationship with top round steak lately. I love the price but I hate the fucking cut. Big slab of cunt meat with no fat. One way to bring this cut to flavor town is to grind it up and mix it with other shit. My white trash burger patty is actually just ground top round and bacon. The cut itself has a great “steak flavor” in my opinion, it just needs a little fat to help it on its way.


For this scummy recipe I mixed the beef with spices & ground pepperoni. The roni gives it a nice greasy and spicy profile. I’m not sure if greasy and spicy is a profile but who the fuck cares.

Lets get wrappin’

Grind up the beef and mix with various spices and some sort of fat. Black pepper, salt, & chili powder were my go to spices.


To bring this shit next level I dumped a bunch of Goya Sofrito in while it was cooking. This shit is great. If it came in boofable tablets I’d be shoving a minimum of 3 in me per day.

If you’re lazy as fuck – like myself – you’ll want to stay away from making a homemade mac ‘n cheese. My signature move is purchasing a pre-made mac and just doctoring it up. Some cheese, jalapeños, bacon etc.

The final step in this elaborate fucking process is to put it all together. 

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Buffalo Chicken Mac ‘n Cheese Stuffed Potato Bombs

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These buffalo chicken mac stuffed grillin’ taters are so easy that even if your everyday outfit includes a helmet and velcro shoes you should be able to knock this one out.

The whole operation can pretty much go down right at your fucking grill, which is nice because…well…that’s the point of grilling.

You may have seen similar recipes from the cunts at Buzzfeed or their Tasty platform or maybe even some random BBQ channel (these would be great on the smoker) on the ol’ YouTube….so we’re not exactly breaking new ground here. I even did something similar myself for the folks at Twisted a few months back when they sent me their cookbook.

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The first step in this cluster fuck of an operation is to grill some buffalo-style chicken. Marinate the chicken in a generic hot sauce. I use Trappys. Toss the chicken on the grill and brush with with a 50/50 combo marinade made out of melted butter and more generic hot sauce.

Build yourself a trashbag mac the fuck cheese. Whenever I’m doing a recipe like this I like to grab one of those microwaveable macaroni and cheese dishes. NOT A FUCKING FROZEN ONE. Country Crock makes one as well as a few other brands. These are nice for a mac the fuck cheese on the fly because they’re easy to doctor up. All I added to this was an entire block of sharp cheddar(shredded) and the chopped up buffalo chicken tenders – which I could have chopped up a bit more so it was more present throughout the mac the fuck cheese.

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Getting your potatoes ready is pretty self explanatory based on the fucking photo – but if you’re a window licker here you go:

-cook potatoes

-cut cooked potatoes

-hollow potatoes

-cut bottom of the potatoes slightly so it can stand on its own

-wrap with bacon

-season with salt and pep.

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You can do whatever the fuck you want with the potato guts. I like to hold on to them just in case you hollow out the potato too much and end up with a hole on the bottom. The potato guts make a great starchy bandaid for this.


Cooking them is easier than a Kardashian in an NBA locker room. Fill the potatoes with the mac the fuck cheese. Pack the mac in nice and tight. The pièce de résistance is the ice cream scooper-scoop on top. That’s what’s selling this whole fucking thing.

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Set your grill to LOW. These are a low-and-slow operation. You don’t want the potato to burn before the bacon is cooked. You might have to play around on your grill, moving the potatoes in and out of direct heat until you find a good heat zone. Once you locate a good cook spot on the grill close the grill and fuck off, and I mean like…fuck off. Don’t open the grill for a while (15 minutes). You need the heat that’s in the grill to cook the bacon. If you tried to cook these with the grill open you would end up with raw bacon on top and burnt bacon towards the bottom.

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When they’re done remove them and garnish with sour cream, green onion, bacon, jalapeños, spices – whatever your little hearts desire. The sour cream and green onion combo was a hit for me.

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30 Minute Jalapeno Popper Mac ‘n Cheese

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Jalapeno Popper Mac ‘n Cheese is both the hero we need and the hero we deserve.

This dish is super easy to make…so easy that I didn’t even take the time to make a video like I normally would. I DID however run through this on my Instagram on the ‘ol Instagram Story feature. I’ve been trying to do more on-the-fly food related shit over there so make sure you check it out.

All you need is some mac ‘n cheese – I went with Kraft’s Velveeta Bacon Shells & Cheese – one, because they are delicious, and two because they were on sale at Target – some GIANT jalapeños, a few slices of bacon, and some sort of creamy cheese to fill the jalapeños with. I went with Heluva Good! TABASCO flavored dip because its fucking rocking.

The first step is whatever you choose to be your first step. For me I got the Velveeta cooking. While that was cooking I split my giant jalapeño down the middle and removed the guts. I filled the jalapeños with the Heluva Good! dip and then wrapped them with bacon. For the bacon I actually split each slice of bacon down the middle the long way. This doesn’t help in the cooking in any sort of way but It does make it look sexy as fuck when its done.

To make sure the bacon would be cooked underneath when the dish was complete, I seared the bottoms of the jalapeños in a hot cast iron pan. I removed the jalapeños once the bacon on the bottom was nice and crispy looking and dumped an abundance of the Velveeta shells into the hot cast iron. If you’re looking to make this dish cheesy as fuck you could always add some more cheese here. I topped the shells with my two jalapeño’s and placed them under the broiler on LOW until the bacon was cooked (roughly 12 minutes). You could make the whole dish off at like 400 degrees if you really wanted, but the cast iron pan and the shells were already hot I was just looking to heat the jalapeños through.

Before serving I sliced the jalapeño up a bit. This turned the dish into sort of a ‘pick-at’ dish at my house. Got some toothpicks out and we all just sort of picked away at the fucking thing. Topped this all off with about 10 Budweisers and a large bong load.

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Make Yourself A Hotdog Bun Out Of Mac ‘n Cheese

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Hotdogs are chill. Mac the fuck cheese is pretty chill. Hotdogs mixed in Mac the fuck cheese is chiller. A hot dog bun made out of Mac the fuck cheese that houses a bacon wrapped hot dog is the fucking chillest.

I’m a huge fan of wrapping paper towel tubes with tinfoil after seeing my girl Natasha from throughtheeyesofmybelly.com do it to make some bacon chocolate shot glasses. Literally. I’ve just been sitting around stoned as fuck wrapping tinfoil around paper towel tubes for no reason. 

So I found a reason. 

Hot dog bun made of Mac the fuck cheese. Super easy to make and all you need is some left over Mac the fuck cheese, a few eggs, and, you guessed it…a paper towel tube and some tin-the-fuck-foil.