I Once Knew a Man From Nantucket With A Poutine So Good I Would F*ck It. (Lobster Poutine Wrap)

The Lobster Poutine She Told You Not To Worry About

I actually don’t know a man from Nantucket. Despite living my entire life in Massachusetts with dozens of trips to Cape Cod I’ve never even been to Nantucket or seen a man who claimed to have been from there.

I do know that I’ve been caught up in the heat of the potato and gravy moment from time to time and questioned whether or not I should eat or fuck the poutine in front of me. This is one of those moments.

When it comes to poutine I’m usually a basic bitch. Gimme fries. Gimme curd. Gimme gravy. I don’t like to stray from that path too much, but every now and again the THC gets ahold of my skeleton and shakes me into fuckin skeletal submission. 

With this recipe we’re taking a classic fork food and turning it into a handheld potato, cheese and seafood torpedo that will be directed straight at your fuckin gullet.

The real star of this clusterfuck for me is the clam chowder gravy – which is clam chowder that’s thickened up with a cheesy bacon roux. Smother some fries, lobster and cheese with with this magical cheese & clam bukakke and you’ve got yourself a one way ticket to Creamsville. Population: Your pants.



Bacon Wrapped Scallop Burger

What we’re doing here today is a little something I like to call cooking a burger like a fucking champion.


I stumbled across a photo recently of a bacon wrapped burger (done up the same way you’ll see here) only it was filled with cheese. I was going to do one filled with French onion soup until a craving for scallops stage dived into my egg shaped fuck of a head.

The execution is simple. Burger bowl. Wrap with bacon. Season. Grill & fill.

Get yourself some fresh ground beef. I used 90/10 so it’s a little more lean than the 80/20 I would normally use. Form a decent patty and press the middle out to make a “bowl”. I used the bottom of a mug to help with this. You want to get in there with your phalanges and form it well. Wrap a slice of bacon around it and stick a toothpick in’er. Season the fuck out of it with some Old Bay before dropping on your grill. 

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You’re kind of fucked here if you’re looking for a medium/rare burger since you want the bacon to cook. You could always pre-cook the bacon a bit, that’s not how I fucking roll.

Once the bacon was cooked I flipped the burger over for just a couple of minute to add a char to the top side.


In a small cast iron pan I cooked the scallops with a little seasoning. I was originally was going to stick bacon wrapped scallops on/in the burger but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have that kind of meat-based real estate…and boy was I fucking right.

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I spooned some sort of Cajun sauce in the burger. I’m not totally sure what the fuck it was since it was just some leftover sauce that came with some crab cakes I purchased. Stick as many scallops as you can comfortably fit in your burger bowl.


My last little trick was the bun. I spread a thin layer of mayo on the buns and seasoned them with more Old Bay before crisping them up on the grill.

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There’s not much I would change with this sick as a bitch burger. You could raw dog it without the lettuce and tomato if you went heavier on the Cajun sauce. You need something. I avoided cheese because for some reason the thought of cheesy scallops made my dick shrivel like I was on an adderall bender. You could also season the scallops differently, maybe with a decent blackening spice.

The nicest thing about this whole operation is having the scallops sitting inside of the burger. When you take a bite they don’t go spilling over the sides like my fucking fat muffin top does over my jeans.


Shrimp Cocktail Grilled Cheese

What’s up fam? Back with that Mid-Week Stretch.


Todays recipe is a shrimp cocktail grilled cheese. Shrimp cocktail is one of the more popular party foods among people who tend to show up with bags of fucking chips. Like, you should up with ruffles and here you are shoveling shrimp into your fucking suck hole? Get fucking real. I dunno. I’m just rambling at this point.

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Surf ‘n Turf Mac Pie

Steak & Lobster style surf ‘n turf is cool…if you’re a fucking loser. Swap the cow for pig every time.

I actually wanted to use some Alaskan King Crab for this recipe, but I had some vacuum sealed lobster from the last time I cooked lobsters. Which proved to fuck me in the end because it was rubbery as fuck and tasted like a cock. 



I was able to mask the stank of the lobster with 2 pounds of extra thick Smithfield Bacon sprinkles. I’m not sure what the proper name of the pie pan I used is, but I’m gonna call it pie pan with a belt.



Pretty easy to cook and I really could have went in any direction with this fucker. Pulled pork and scallops. Chicken and shrimp. Fuckin’ pigs feet and uni, I don’t fuckin’ know.



The Best Crab/Scallop Cakes In The Fucking World.




Straight out of the fucking EAT LIKE SHIT COOKBOOK, Crabby Scallop Cakes. Light. Healthy. Fucky. These are great by themselves, or stacked the fuck up slider style with all sorts of shit.















1.In a MEDIUM fuck bowl, combine bread crumbs, mayonnaise, 2 TBL butter, OLD BAY®, chipotle sauce, mustard, corn, green onion, and some salt and pepper. Let that shit sit for a solid 10-15 minutes. Fold in the crab and scallop.

2.Pack that seafood shit mixture into small patties, or make a huge as tits one… whatever the fuck you want bro. Refrigerate for an hour or overnight tough-guy.

  1. Brush the tops with melted butter and bake at 400 on a baking sheet for 30 minutes flipping halfway. When you flip these bitches make sure to brush with more fuckin’ butter.