French Onion Soup Tater Tots

I am what I would consider a bit of a french onion soup go hard. I think most people are. If you don’t enjoy a good french onion soup there’s a good chance you spend a portion of your time filling out applications for ISIS.

There’s actually no real recipe here. Mainly just combining things. I wanted to make up for the lack of broth I had with my French Onion Soup Burger, which led me to fucking tater island.

Get yourself some onions, tots, and a few cans of either beef broth or canned french onion soup.

The most time consuming process is carmelizing the onions. Low and slow, fuckb0is.

Top your tots with a healthy dosing of caramelized onions and a few slices of cheese (I used provolone) before sliding your masterpiece under the broiler for a few minutes

Cheesy Bacon Chowder Tots.

The Vulgar Chef’s, Chowder Tots.

California’s Slapfish® has a menu thats stacked toes to fucking tits, and when I say toes to tits, I mean TOES.TO.FUCKING.TITS.

The Clobster Grilled Cheese (yes, thats lobster and fucking crab) Fish + Chips, and Shrimp & Bacon Avocado Grilled Cheese are a few menu items to name to get your pre-ejaculatories flowing.


Today I’m here to pay my respects to one of their signature menu items…THEIR FUCKING CHEDDAR FRIES.

Now being that I live 3000 some-odd miles away from a Slapfish® location, I’ve never had the chance to experience any of Chef Andrew Gruel’s food….so I fucked around with my own version.

I made some chowder tots. As I has mentioned last week with my Jalapeño Totters , I’m just on a total fuckin tot kick right now. Nothing against french fries….but fuck french fries.

Tots, Cheese, Campell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder, Smithfield Bacon, and runny as four fucks egg.







Have a product or menu item you would like me to fuck around with? Hit me with that e-mail.


Next week….I fuck with EGGSLUT


Jalapeno Totters

Jalapeno Totters. Its a known fact that the addition of tots to a tot-less food will increase tasting pleasure by 107%.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….

tots over fucking fries.

Tots are fucking delicious. I don’t know why we haven’t just completely done away with french fries at this point in human existence. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fries…but I think its time to let the tots come out and swing that big crispy-fluffy-potato-y cock around.

These are so east to make Stephen Hawking could make them with Helen Keller talking him the fuck through it.



Giant Stuffed Tater Tot

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Tater tots. I’m not sure why we haven’t completely replaced french fries on menus with tots at this point in history. They’re crunchier on the outside, creamier in the middle, easier to dress up, and flat out just fucking taste better.

But few places actually serve them and I can’t figure the fuck out why.

The only way to fill your tot fix is to eat a fucking trash bag full, or make a huge as fuck stuffed one.

I’ve actually had a giant tot before from The Easy Pie in Braintree, MA and it was fucked up delicious. Like the type of fucked up where you would let Casey Anthony babysit for the weekend while you were away. The kind of fucked up where you would let Ray Rice take your daughter to an elevator museum.

The recipe is fairly simple. Peel and boil about 7 large potatoes for 10 minutes. Run those fuckers through a cheese grater and mix with a few fist-fulls of shredded cheese, bacon, and whatever the fuck ever. Load the mixture onto some plastic wrap, and roll that shit up. Stick in the freezer for a couple of hours.

*make sure the tot will fit into your shitty fryer before freezing.

Remove from the freezer and fry at 375 for 10-15 minutes.