Deep Fried Ranch Dressing Is A Lot Like Finding Your Mothers Thong
It fucking stinks.
I’ll be the first to admit I fucking hate ranch. I’m not sure when this whole ranch thing started but I’m here to fucking end it. This is peak ranching. There will never be a greater ranch creation and I’ve already made ranch Jello Jigglers so don’t fuckin’ try me.
This is actually an idea I’ve been toying with for a while. Initially I was going to make ranch jello, bread & deep fry it. I’m assuming the ranch would have turned back into its liquid-ranch state as soon as it was heated in the oil creating just a mess of a fucking time. So I decided to mix the ranch with fresh breadcrumbs. Fucking brilliant. This is a total game changer when it comes to deep frying. We now have a way to deep fry liquids without just deep frying liquids. BBQ Sauces, butter, alcohol. You fuckin name it. If it’s a liquid or “liquidy” we’re fuckin’ fryin’ it.
The whole “process” is a walk in the park. Fresh breadcrumbs. a bottle of ranch and hot oil. I also missed a huge opportunity to use powdered ranch. The fried ranch balls were ranchy but most definitely could have been “ranchier”
Wow Your Guests With This One of a Kind Holiday Snack.
The holidays are a great time to show off you culinary skills – and show them off is what the fuck I do. Thanksgiving crunchwraps, Thanksgiving Sushi, and now most importantly this Holiday Pickle Cake…or hot dog pie…or whatever the fuck ever.
The nice thing about gelatin is you can pretty much gelatin anything. You could probably gelatin a fart if you really put some effort behind it. Maybe fart in some water for a while before turning it into gelatin. There it is. Edible fart.
There aren’t many steps or ingredients to this recipe which is nice. The cheapest hot dogs money can buy. Baby dill pickles. A few packs of gelatin & a bundt cake pan.
If you can’t get down with french fries topped with all sorts of various shit I can get down with you. Whether its chili & cheese or lamb and tunafish you have to respect the fuck out of a loaded fry – and don’t even get me started on loaded tots.
Shakshouka is a Middle Eastern or possibly African or maybe even an Irish dish. Sure. I could do a little Google research to find out but I’m not exactly about that life.
A Shakshouka is basically a hearty tomato sauce in which you poach some eggs. I’ve been eating this for years without any knowledge of it being an actual meal from somewhere on earth. I just thought I was being trashy pouring tomato sauce in a skillet and cooking an egg in it.
Shakshouka what your momma gave ya.
Building a tomato sauce is easy. You literally just need tomato sauce and other shit. Who gives a fuck what you use as long as it tastes decent. If tomatoes aren’t in season your next bet is to use canned crushed and diced tomatoes. Some fresh herbs, spices, a little meat and viola! You’ve got yourself a fancy little fuckin tomato sauce.
I started my sauce with a pound of bacon. I used the grease from the bacon to pretty much cook the rest of the ingredients in my sauce. Some peppers, onions, garlic & spices (paprika, seasoning salt, curry powder, black pepper, dried parsley) TASTE YOUR SAUCE AS YOU FUCKING COOK IT. Don’t be a mutant who just follows a recipe without tasting it during the cooking process.
Once your sauce is made all thats left is to build your fries. A little cheese and an egg. Like I said, typically with this dish you cook the egg right in the sauce, but if you’re not planning on finishing the whole thing in one sitting I suggest just poaching a few fuckin eggs.
One of the wonderful benefits about being a complete scumbag is you get to use your body as a filtering system for all types of scummy food.
A trashbag crunchwrap is the peak of scummy food. Shitty meat. Shitty macaroni. Other various shot as fuck ingredients. There’s nothing to not like about not liking not a Trashbag Crunchwrap.
I’ve been in a love hate relationship with top round steak lately. I love the price but I hate the fucking cut. Big slab of cunt meat with no fat. One way to bring this cut to flavor town is to grind it up and mix it with other shit. My white trash burger patty is actually just ground top round and bacon. The cut itself has a great “steak flavor” in my opinion, it just needs a little fat to help it on its way.
For this scummy recipe I mixed the beef with spices & ground pepperoni. The roni gives it a nice greasy and spicy profile. I’m not sure if greasy and spicy is a profile but who the fuck cares.
Lets get wrappin’
Grind up the beef and mix with various spices and some sort of fat. Black pepper, salt, & chili powder were my go to spices.
To bring this shit next level I dumped a bunch of Goya Sofrito in while it was cooking. This shit is great. If it came in boofable tablets I’d be shoving a minimum of 3 in me per day.
If you’re lazy as fuck – like myself – you’ll want to stay away from making a homemade mac ‘n cheese. My signature move is purchasing a pre-made mac and just doctoring it up. Some cheese, jalapeños, bacon etc.
The final step in this elaborate fucking process is to put it all together.
Closing Out Basic Bitch Season With A Proper Burger.
Basic bitch season is great if you’re into finger banging girls who dip their chicken tenders in ketchup and smell like pumpkin mayonnaise. Yoga pants are cool, but as the Great Bill Burr once said “I’ve been to enough yoga classes to know what those pants smell like”.
For todays recipe I had to dig deep and channel my inner bitch. In fact, I believe I may have dug a little too deep. A burger with pumpkin buns probably isn’t what the world needed right now but its what the worlds fucking getting.
I Like The Way You Basic Bitch….Burger
The most basic bitch thing about this burger is you have to go pumpkin picking to source your bun. Yeah you could go to the grocery store or a fuckin’ farmers market but I suggest going right into the belly of the basic bitch beast. I’m a father. Pumpkin picking is some shit I do. When I was younger it was the thrill of the hayride out to find the best pumpkin I could find that got my blood flowing. Now its the thrill of seeing 12 white girls out on a pumpkin patch in 40° weather just to take a picture that really makes me want to stab myself.
The Basic Bitch Burger recipe is pretty straightforward. Pumpkin Bun. Pumpkin Mayo. Burger. Thats It.
Slice your pumpkin in half and season it with cinnamon, brown sugar and salt. Bake at 350° for about 45 minutes or until it’s tender enough to stick a toothpick into.
While all of that tom fuckin’ foolery is going down you can whip up some pumpkin spice mayo. It’s pretty much everything you’d expect it to be. Cinnamon. Brown Sugar. Pumpkin. Mayo. Now I actually didn’t hate this. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it.
All thats left to do is cook a burger and build this Ugg season fuck of a burger.
Pizza Fritters Are The National Pizza Month Item You Never Knew You Were Missing.
October is a fantastic month. We’ve got Halloween, which is an amazing celebration of diabetes. The weather is beginning to cool making it less stressful on our inner thighs – And most importantly we have an entire month dedicated to the life of Pizza.
We’ve celebrated NPM in the past with things like Pizza Koozies & Pizza Wings, but to celebrate this month I wanted to do something cheap and easy. Something you could potentially make with shit thats just sitting in your cupboard. Flour, eggs, butter and you’ve got yourself the main happenings of a fritter fuck-fest.
The first step is to round up all necessary ingredients. Now, the recipe I have is a blend of multiple recipes from across the internet. A little pinch from a fritter recipe, a little dash of hushpuppy and BOOM, we’ve got ourselves a fuckin’ pizza fritter.
1 1/2 C Flour
1 C Cornmeal
2 Eggs
1/2 Stick Butter (melted)
1/2 TBL baking powder
1/2 TBL Baking soda
1 CUP Milk
Garlic
Mozzarella
Garlic Salt
Italian Seasoning
Mini-Roni
LETS GET OUR PIZZA FRITTER FUCK FEST ON!
Combine everything in a large as fuck bowl and mix well. You can add all sorts of other shit in here if thats your sort of thing. I think keeping the fritters simple and then topping them with more shit is the best way to go about this recipe.
Once I had my mixture all…..mixed, I stuck that shit in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes. I’m not sure if this was a necessary part of the process, but thats where I put it while I let my fryer come up to temp (350°)
Now we’re ready to fry! You’re going to form the mixture into little (or big) balls. A little slice of advice – rub your hands with a little vegetable oil or fresh semen to prevent the batter from sticking to your grubby fucking fingers. Once you have a nice ball formed drop that shit into the hot oil and fry for 4-5 minutes or until a golden brown. Some of the balls might bust open a bit. You can peel that little defect off when they’re done cooking if you prefer a nice round ball.
All thats left is to plate up your Pizza Fritters. I tossed mine in a french fry holder, hit them with some sauce, cheese, mini-roni and tossed them in my air fryer on 275° for about 5 minutes. Thats it. Thats all there is to a fuckin’ pizza fritter.
Hope you guys enjoyed this blog post & recipe. Remember to follow along on facebook and instagram. For a full arsenal of videos head to the YouTube channel and subscribe!
Little Debbie Lasagna – The Snack That Bites Back (or something)
The nice thing about diabetes is it does not discriminate. Black? White? Muppet? Diabetes doesn’t give three fucks who you are or where you came from. I love diabetes. I don’t have it or anything, i just love it. I’d snort a Hollywood of sugar with Wilford Brimley while we inject each other with insulin given the opportunity. But since I don’t see that happening anytime soon, a Little Debbie Lasagna is my next best option.
The nice thing about a Little Debbie Lasagna is you can layer the fuck out of it however you want. Honey Buns, Chocolate Cupcakes, Star Crunch – the list goes on. The most important part of a Little Debbie Lasagna is that you call is a lasagna. I mean, it’s basically a cake, but whenever I’m given the opportunity to spray-shit all over some sort of Italian cooking I get my fuckin’ spray-on.
My Little Debbie Lasagna was an all out foot losing fuck fest. Oatmeal Creme Pie (which are actually trash, don’t fucking @ me) Nutty Buddies, Swiss Rolls, Zebra Cakes (also trash) Cosmic Brownies, and some of those-them-there Creme Cunt Cakes. Basically you’re just going to chop up them delicious snacks and layer them in a pan with Cool Whip.
Those of you that follow along on Instagram most likely saw some insta-story action of my trying to choke down some NyQuil Jell-O. Well, if you couldn’t tell from the headline thats whats going on with this blog post.
The nice thing about NyQuil Jell-O is that it’s as terrible as you’d fucking imagine it to be. Jell-O by itself is already trash and adding Americas favorite nighttime cocktail to it only makes it worse. Sure I could have done DayQuil or even some Robitussin but NyQuil just seemed like the appropriate over the counter heroin to mix in. Shout out Bill Cosby for the inspiration.
There aren’t many steps to making NyQuil Jell-O. You basically follow the instructions on the Jell-O box and sub the cold water for a blend of water & NyQuil.
Its with great pleasure that I announce to you guys that we finally have a t-shirt again for the first time in about 3 years. We also have a recipe video to go along with the shirt! Thank you to ADRIEL for designing the shirt and SEEK & STRIKE for hosting the launch! Make sure you guys send me photos of you wearing the Zomburger shirt! God bless and hail Satan.
The meatloaf sandwich is the official sandwich of sweaty under-tit.
There’s a fine line of people who do and do not eat meatloaf and you can usually draw that line with household income…or something. Basically what I’m trying to say is meatloaf is the filet mignon of trailer park cooking and we wouldn’t want it any other fucking way. Rich people don’t deserve to eat a dish as cultured and delicious as meatloaf.
Typically a meatloaf sandwich is made with leftover meatloaf…I don’t have time to be meatin’ and loafin’ around my fuckin kitchen just to make a leftover meatloaf sandwich.
