Rattlesnake Pasta Bake

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Italians don’t know shit about Pasta.

For this weeks recipe I wanted to take pasta for a walk down Please Squat on My Face Boulevard. Some heat. Some meat. Some cheese. The holy trinity of get the fuck in my mouth.

UNOs Pizzeria & Grill offers up a rattlesnake pasta of their own. I’ve never had it but judging from the pictures I’ve seen I can only imagine it tasting the way a library card catalog smells.

I wanted to take their version and face-fuck it into oblivion. I wanted more meat. More cheese. More heat. I also wanted to serve it up as a bake instead of your classic pile of pasta on a plate.

The first step is to season the water you’ll be boiling your pasta in. You can do this with a variety of spices. I took it to a dickheaded level and seasoned my water with fucking hot sauce like a savage. You can cook the pasta ahead of time since most of our focus will be on building the legit as fuck sauce.

Cook your bacon in a large cast iron – or large oven safe skillet – on MED-HIGH heat. You’re going to want a big ‘ol fucker since this is a 1 dish fuck-fest. Once there bacon is cooked you’re going to cook your steak directly in the bacon grease like a fucking animal.

No you’re just looking to basically sear the steaks. You don’t want to completely cook them since they will be going into the oven. Cook the garlic in the now steak & bacon grease until your kitchen smells like two Italians fuckin’ in the back of an Olive Garden. Add your 4 TBL of butter and slowly mix in your 1/4 Cup of flour. Congratulations. You’re building a legit as fuck roux.

Once the roux has browned up a bit add 1 Cup of milk and 1 Cup half & half. Stir that shit until it’s thicker than the ugly kardashian. Add all of your cheeses and stir until melted.  

Once the cheese is nice and melted its time to get everyone in the fucking pot. Stir until well blended, top with bacon & jalapeño and bake at 400 for 15-20 minutes. Enjoy, you posers.

The Polish Wet Dream Burger (Gołąbki Burger)

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Gather ’round the cabbage tree, folks.

When it comes to the Polish there’s not much to be said. Their women age like rotting fruit. Their food is some strange anomaly where’s it’s terrible and delicious at the same time. And if history has taught us anything it’s that it takes 3 Polish cunts to change a lightbulb – one to hold the bulb and two to spin the ladder.

Most of the Polish foods I’m familiar with were made terribly and also made by white women in their 40’s. Between that and a few small local pierogi shops my pallet for Polish food is about as uneducated as the Polish themselves, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spear-head our way into ruining Polish cuisine with a heavy helping of fucking America.

In America we have a tenancy to burg-the-fuck out of things that weren’t really meant to be burged-the-fuck out of. We’ve got burgers with ramen buns. Burgers between donuts. Burger burritos. Pierogi burgers and now more importantly – golumpki burgers.

For those of you living under some strange anti polish rock a golumpki (Gołąbki) is a meat & rice stuffed cabbage roll smothered in a light tomato sauce. When you break it down it’s basically the Polish version of sushi. Only without fish. And less rice. And you don’t really need any sort of training to roll one of these fuckers up.

All you need to do to turn the classic log-looking golumpki into a more modern looking burger patty is form that shit in some sort of circular mold. Smother with tomato sauce, bake, and serve up between a couple of buns with some room temperature cheese (it fucking tastes better when it’s room temperature)

Breakfast Tacos w/Roasted Garlic & Chipotle Ketchup and Whoops I Just Creamed My Pants

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Breakfast Tacos To Kick Your Day In The Cockhole

The nice thing about breakfast tacos other then the fact that it’s tacos for breakfast is that you’re having tacos but you’re having them when it’s breakfast time.

The other nice thing about this recipe is 90% of it can be prepared in advance. The remaining 10% being the eggs because if you microwave or even just save eggs to be heated up at a later time you can literally just fuck yourself. Like, figure out a way to pack your own penis in your own ass and just rough up your own insides.

Breakfast tacos are the epitome of all handheld breakfast items. Yeah breakfast sandwiches are cool, but have you even seen a breakfast sandwich be a taco? No. You fucking haven’t.

As far as the roasted garlic & chipotle ketchup goes….that’s pretty much what it is. Some roasted garlic and a few canned chipotle peppers. Blended and mixed with ketchup. On a side note I’m working on a ketchup related post with ways to up your ketchup game. So there’s that to look forward to.

I Once Knew a Man From Nantucket With A Poutine So Good I Would F*ck It. (Lobster Poutine Wrap)

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The Lobster Poutine She Told You Not To Worry About

I actually don’t know a man from Nantucket. Despite living my entire life in Massachusetts with dozens of trips to Cape Cod I’ve never even been to Nantucket or seen a man who claimed to have been from there.

I do know that I’ve been caught up in the heat of the potato and gravy moment from time to time and questioned whether or not I should eat or fuck the poutine in front of me. This is one of those moments.

When it comes to poutine I’m usually a basic bitch. Gimme fries. Gimme curd. Gimme gravy. I don’t like to stray from that path too much, but every now and again the THC gets ahold of my skeleton and shakes me into fuckin skeletal submission. 

With this recipe we’re taking a classic fork food and turning it into a handheld potato, cheese and seafood torpedo that will be directed straight at your fuckin gullet.



The real star of this clusterfuck for me is the clam chowder gravy – which is clam chowder that’s thickened up with a cheesy bacon roux. Smother some fries, lobster and cheese with with this magical cheese & clam bukakke and you’ve got yourself a one way ticket to Creamsville. Population: Your pants.

 

 

Quesadilla Pops

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After a lot of back and forth-ing with various quesadilla ideas I finally settled on quesadillas with a stick in them.

I was clusterfucked in my head between a deep fried quesadilla pizza (which I’ve already kind of done) quesadilla stuffed onion rings, or some sort of whacked out quesadilla ravioli.

I settled on quesadilla pops because I thought it would be chill to make a handheld food more….hand holdable? That and it also opens the door to a dipping potential. The problem with the current state of Quesadilla is that you have to peel it back to put salsa, sour cream and whatever the fuck else you want to put in the finished quesadilla. I realize you could just put the extra toppings on top of the quesadilla but that’s not how I fucking roll.

The first step is to make a thick as tits quesadilla. I found the best way to do this was in some sort of pie or springform pan that’s the same size as your tortillas. 

Place a tortilla in the pan and top with some shredded cheese. Load your quesadilla blend on top. I typically gravitate towards poultry when making quesadillas. You could go a steak & cheese route, or maybe even some sort of pork and rice – I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing when I cook.

A little seasoned chicken, a ton of cheese, and some select veggies. 

Place some more cheese on top of your blend. This will help hold the tortilla shell to the quesadilla blend. When all is said and done place some weight on top. Stick in the fridge for a few hours.

Remove the quesadilla from the pan and slice into 4 equal section. 

Time to bread and fry. Coat with egg wash, bread crumbs, back in the egg wash and then fry. Server with various dipping sauces.

Bacon Weave Breakfast Pizza

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This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.

The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its  going to take about 2 1/2 lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out. 

Now you can go one of two ways here. You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for four smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.

Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.

Chill AF Breakfast Sandwich

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This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.

The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its  going to take about 2lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out. Make sure you get yourself some decent bacon. You can  get thick cut but you’ll end up with a smaller end product.

Now you can go one of two ways here – You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for two smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.

Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.

French Onion Spring Rolls

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Hello everyone, and happy 2018.

We’re kicking this year off with an easy one. French onion spring rolls that eventually make their way onto a piled high roast beef sandwich. 

The nice thing about spring rolls is you can stuff them with whatever the fuck you want. You could even chop up other spring rolls and stuff them in your spring rolls. Wonton wraps are super cheap (think I paid $3) and super useful. Great way to spice up leftovers. Oh, you’ve got a bowl of spaghetti sitting in your crusty fuckin fridge? Toss that shit in a wonton wrapper with some cheese and fry (or bake) those bad bois up. You can also just cut the wraps up into little triangles and fry them up for some crunchy shit to eat on the fly.

I went a little too hard with caramelizing the onions. I like to go big or go home when it comes to onions. Sweat them for a few hours. For these I would go half as hard as I went. You want the onions to be caramelized but you don’t want them do be a borderline onion paste.

You don’t have to serve these on a sandwich. You could do them up with some cheese right in the spring roll. You could serve them with a cheese dip. If you’re feeling froggy you could use the whole wrap and make some sort of giant onion ravioli and really get your stank breath rocking. These decisions are up to you. I’m just here rattling shit off the top of my balding little head.

Ketchup Caviar

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What you’re seeing here are the side effects of long term marijuana use.

The idea for ketchup caviar comes from a from a few things. It comes from watching molecular gastronomy videos, getting high and staring at one of those water & oil hourglass things that you would sometimes get in your Christmas stocking as a child.

The process is simple. Use geletin to make a ketchup “jello” and drop beads of the ketchup jello hybrid into some cold vegetable oil.

My first attempt was a bit of a failure. I dropped the ketchup beads into a mason jar filled with cold cooking oil. Everything looked great until I went to strain the “caviar”. It ended up sticking together like one big clump. This is when I went back for a second attempt and dropped the beads into a baking dish filled with a thin layer of oil instead.

The second time around I also doubled down on geletin. Two packets of geletin per cup of ketchup. 

Ketchup game: destroyed.

I will mention that once the ketchup warms up it starts to lose its form. I’m not sure if this could be solved with adding more jello or not, but eating a spoonful of these cold was a pretty strange experience.