The Best Crab/Scallop Cakes In The Fucking World.

 

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Straight out of the fucking EAT LIKE SHIT COOKBOOK, Crabby Scallop Cakes. Light. Healthy. Fucky. These are great by themselves, or stacked the fuck up slider style with all sorts of shit.

 

-1 LB LUMP CRABMEAT

-2 LARGE SEA SCALLOPS, ROUGHLY CHOPPED

-1-EGG

-3 TBL MELTED BUTTER

-1 tsp OLD BAY® SEASONING

-1 tsp YELLOW MUSTARD

-3 TBL CHIPOTLE SAUCE

-1/2 CUP BREADCRUMBS (PANKO WORKS FUCKIN BEST)

-1/4 CUP SLICED GREEN ONION

-1/2 CUP MAYONNAISE

-2 TBL CORN KERNELS

-SALT & PEPPER TO TASTE

 

1.In a MEDIUM fuck bowl, combine bread crumbs, mayonnaise, 2 TBL butter, OLD BAY®, chipotle sauce, mustard, corn, green onion, and some salt and pepper. Let that shit sit for a solid 10-15 minutes. Fold in the crab and scallop.

2.Pack that seafood shit mixture into small patties, or make a huge as tits one… whatever the fuck you want bro. Refrigerate for an hour or overnight tough-guy.

  1. Brush the tops with melted butter and bake at 400 on a baking sheet for 30 minutes flipping halfway. When you flip these bitches make sure to brush with more fuckin’ butter.

 

surf

Red Velvet Oreo Cheesecake

Take your shitty graham cracker crust, and shove it straight up your candy ass.

 

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This cheesecake is a real fucking banger. I was worried that maybe the Oreo’s wouldn’t hold up for a crust but thats just because I’m a fucking loser. All I did was crushed up some Oreo’s in a freezer bag and mix them with butter. The rest is fucking history.

 

WILL MAKE TWO CHEESE FUCK YOU CAKES

-2 8oz cream cheese (room temp)

3/4 cup sugar

-3 eggs

-16 oz sour cream

-4 packages red velvet Oreo’s (10 oz packeges)

-1 stick melted butter

 

 

FOR THE FILLING

Mix the sour cream and cream cheese together until smooth. Slowly add in the sugar. Once smooth add eggs one at a time. Once eggs have been added go fuck yourself.

 

FOR THE CRUST

Plance Oreo’s in freezer bag and Hulk smash. Mix with melted butter and form in Pie pans. Bake at 325 for 40 minutes. Let cool at room temperature for 30 minutes before placing in the fridge. After placing in the fridge, go fuck yourself again. 

 

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Philadelphia Roll Sushi Slider

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Sticky white rice from your local dirty Chinese spot. Mold that shit in a lid from a Miracle Whip (fuck mayonnaise) and slightly cook one side in a frying pan. Throw on some cucumbers, smoked salmon, and cream cheese. Wrap in nori and suck a dick about it. Next time I suck this tit, I will most likely use some avocado on my asshole.

Beef Wellington (The Vulgar Chef Edition)

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Beef Wellington. Filet of beef wrapped in puff pastry. Typically with some sort of pureed mushroom shit sauce and prosciutto or some shit. I gave this a whack before on my TMNTcooks Blog. Went crazy with the fucking thing. Cheese, salami, stuffing bbq sauce, really fucked this bitch up.

 

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What I did here was a shittier version with much less effort. Mac the fuck and bacon. Get yourself a nice filet. I got myself a two packer from wally world for 7 bucks, and they were bacon the fuck wrapped. Gave the filet a quick sear on both sides and then laid it on some bacon. This is where I first fucked up. Actually, the first time I fucked up was when I let my father have sex with my mother to bringing me into this world. I really should have done a bacon weave here. It was a pain in the fucking ass trying to roll this shit up.

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Lay it on some plastic wrap so you can roll it up into some sort of fucking thing.

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Im not sure what happened between this last photo and the next photo, but I’m 100% positive I got drunk as fuck and forgot to take more photos. Take that shitty meat wrap and refrigerate for about 45 minutes. When you pull it out of your fridge, you’re going to roll it up in some puff pasty. Lay the puff pastry on some plastic wrap and roll that bitch up too. Refrigerate again for about an hour.

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I baked it at 375 for roughly 40 minutes. This will give you a blood red filet. If you cook this shit any longer you’re a fucking meat terrorist.

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Cheetos Crusted Mac n’ Cheese Doughnuts

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Here’s one you can pull of with a dick in your mouth. All you need is some Mac the fuck Cheese, a doughnut mold tray or whatever the fuck ever, and some crushed Cheetos.

Place the Mac the fuck in the doughnut molds and freeze for a few hours. 

Pull them shits out of the freeze box and remove the mac from the molds. Dip in an egg wash and then into the crushed up Cheetos. Back in the egg wash, back in the Cheetos, you get the fucking idea. 

Now, the Cheetos have a pretty low burn temp so I fried them on a super low temp for about 1 minute. The mac was still a bit cold, but so are your mothers tits.

 

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Big Mac Sushi

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So I was driving around in yesterdays “blizzard” when I got a craving for some asshole. Coincidently, I also had a craving for sushi. Problem was that the sushi joint I normally fuck around with was closed, and the McDonalds across the street was open. So I made like an asshole and shit myself.

I started out breaking down my Big Mac Meal into sushi grade materials. Tossed the fucking buns because fuck bread.

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I used a cock ton of fries, which made it a real pain in the dick trying to roll up. Next time I would go with less fries and maybe hit them with a rolling pin or my big fat Canadian small dick.

Next I piled on some of the “meat” from the Big Mac. This was my first time handling someone else’s meat other than my fathers.

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I was going to ask for extra lettuce and Mac sauce so I had something to work with, but the pile of puke that they gave me worked out just fine.

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What I really should have asked for was extra pickles. I don’t know why I didn’t. I always order extra pickles and onions. I really sucked this dick. So I added a few slivers of some pickled I had kicking around my parents house that I reside in.

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I don’t have any photos of me rolling this shit up, but you get the fucking idea.




SHOT

StufZ S’mores

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Been fucking around with Mr. Chef Brian Duffy’s burger StufZ product. I’ve also been sucking the s’mores dick dry. I crushed up some graham crackers (1 packet) and mixed with two eggs. Plopped that shit in the StufZ, filled the center with marshmallow and chocolate.  Baked at 400 for 10 minutes flipping half way. Could have used peanut butter too but I suck dick for a living.

S’mores Waffle

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Yeah thats a fucking graham cracker waffle, the fuck did you expect? 

I smashed up two packets of graham crackers and mixed that shit with 3 eggs. Stuffed the mixture in my crummy waffle maker on a low setting. Pulled out my pud and let that shit cook for about 5 minutes. Topped with mini marshmallows and hit that shit with a fucking blow torch to get my sizzle on.

Yeah, I could have used peanut butter, and bacon, and one of your mothers tit hairs, but I fucking didn’t.