Fried Golumpki on a Stick

There is a lovely Lithuanian woman in my town who makes a golumpki you would suck your dad about. Violeta’s Kitchen. She makes some rock your cock off soups(pickled barley is the fucking shit), pirogi’s, desserts, and meat pies as well. I’ve had the idea for a while to completely ruin everything I’m sure she stands proud for and deep fry the fuck out of some of her golumpki’s.

I started by dapping (not sure if that makes sense, but your mother is a whore so I don’t fucking care) the golumpki’s with a paper towel to get any excess moisture off of the outside. Next I rolled them around in some flour. After the flour fuckery, I dipped them in an egg/milk wash, into some breadcrumbs, back in the egg wash, and finally back in the breadcrumbs.

Now the golumpki’s were cold so I fried them at a low temp for about 3 minutes. Im not positive on what the temp was exactly, but it was somewhere between 0 and 500 degrees. When they were cooked I stuck a skewer in them because its a scientific fact hat food tastes better when its served on a stick.

S’mores Taco.

So I was fucking around with my dick this morning and I thought it would be a great idea to have a S’mores Taco to slide my cock into. I crushed up 4 graham crackers and mixed them with 4 egg yolks. I tried egg and butter first but that shit sucked a fucking dick and fell apart. So for round two I just stuck with the yolks and graham. Made a nice little patty on some parchment paper and folded it over my As Seen On TV Taco Maker shitty thing. Baked at 400 until it started to brown up a bit. (about 10-15 cock minutes)

Poutine Stuffed Burger

If you have an issue with the amount of poutine related posts I do, you’re either a fucking terrorist or a fucking terrorist.

If you don’t like poutine there is a 100% chance you grew up in a house where everyone had asthma and you were allergic to bee’s.

I got myself on of my pal Chef Brian Duffy’s products, StufZ, for christmas. I knocked out a Ramen Stuffed Burger followed buy this majestical titty licker. I filled the innards with fries and curd. When the cocky little prick was cooked, I smothered it with brown gravy. Everyone is so caught up with topping poutine with other shit. I say top and stuff other shit with poutine. If I had the power I would stuff a fucking apple with poutine. (hmmmmmmm)

ps. not really sure whats going on with that one rouge rebel fry in the fucking middle, but thats bad ass.

French Bread Pizza Burger Sliders

A Few Mac The Fuck Cheeses Your Dad Would Mustache Ride.

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When I was a little fuck fritter growing up I hated mac the fuck cheese. I honestly only recently started to enjoy it. The only way I would eat it as a kid was smothered in fucking ketchup. I think the issue was that any time someone made mac the fuck, it tasted like a fucking a wet flavorless noodle fuck pile. It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I got my hands on some sharp ass cheesy as 10 fucks mac the fuck cheese and I was forever a changed cock.

Bánh mì Mac the Fuck Cheese

I recently got one more Bánh mì than I asked for. Im convinced its just me. When there is some sort of language barrier between myself and someone serving my fat ass food, no matter how specific I make myself I always get more than I originally ordered. Thats what happened here. I told the lovely Vietnamese woman “HI CAN I GET JUST ONE OF YOUR BANH MI’s” as I held up one finger. So of coarse I get two and I’m not sending one of those delicious meat fucking toboggans back. So I deconstructed that slut and turned it into some mac fuck you cheese.

Taquitos Mac the Fuck Cheese w/ an Egg

Taquitos are the international symbol for I’m drunk as shit at a gas station at 3am. They are also the symbol for keep me on the hot dog rollers for 19 hours so I fucking dry out and taste like a rusty butt hole, but still enjoyable to some extent. Nothing fancy here really just cut some of those meat and cheese filled noodle dick sticks up, got fancy with them and placed them around the edge of a bowl, piled on some mac the fuck and topped with an egg because protein.

Hot Fries Mac the Fuck Cheese w/ Jerky & Jalapeños

I love hot fries. Sometimes I shove them in my asshole just to feel alive. I can totally see myself and Andy Capp doing a wife swap and giving each others wife a throw. Hell I’d even give Andy a throw because I’m a fuckin fruitcake like that. Hot fries make for a great breading, great for dipping in an ass, or a french onion dip, or as the base of a fucking epic mac the fuck cheese. It would have been a little easier to eat if I had crushed them up a bit before tossing on the mac and jerky but whatever the fuck ever. Hot fries, mac the fuck, local Billy C’s Beef Jerky, and some jalapeños because my corn hole was begging for a beating.

Poutine Waffle

I was fortunate enough this Christmas to get drunk as fuck. I was also fortunate enough to get a waffle maker or waffle iron or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Being the pancake lover I am (pancake tits, nipps, buttonholes, etc…) I thought to myself “great..more trash to stick on my fucking overcrowded cooking shelf in my parents basement.”

Right out of the gate I knew poutine waffle was going to happen. Ever since my recent trip to the motherland, poutine has been on my mind like a fly on a shit covered titty. My first concern was did I want to mix the curd and gravy with the fries? Or did I that shit on top like a fucking boss? Im not sure if its grammatically correct to start a sentence with “or” but I didn’t pay much attention in school because I was stoned as fuck.

Before I put the fries in the waffle maker (used a bag of frozen cock fries) I nuked them in the micromachine for a couple minutes to soften them up. I was pretty much looking for soggy french fuck fries. I chopped them up into about half inch pieces. My first attempt I didn’t have enough fries in the maker. Pretty much made a fucking baby waffle. So I ate that shit and went in for round 2. Success. It took somewhere between 10-15 minutes to cook to where I wanted it. I slid a small wooden skewer underneath to free it from the waffle maker, stuck it on a plate (a paper plate because fuck off) and dressed that bitch like I was taking her to prom. Take your waffle fry poutine and shove it straight up your little pink cock hole.

I also rode dirty and made a 100% pulled pork waffle and a corned fuck you beef hash waffle.

Buffalo Chicken Mac the Fuck Cheese Stuffed Mushrooms

Are you the pile of shit constantly bringing spinach dip to a social event? Are you the first to say “Ill get plates and cups”? If thats the case go fuck yourself. Why don’t you whip up these bad Larry’s. Only takes about 25 minutes if your cock is hard enough.

Clean roughly 20-25 mushroom caps. Grab a rotisserie chicken from your local supermarket and remove all the delicious flesh from that cocksucker and shred the fuck out of it. Mix the chicken with one of those containers of microwaveable mac the fuck cheese. Toss in some hot sauce, spices, and ranch dressing Stuff into the shitty mushroom caps and bake @ 375 for about 10 minutes.

Now Bend over in the mirror and take a look at your asshole. Yeah. Welcome to the real world.

The Vulgar Chef