Are you a culinary fuck-up? Does the thought of cooking an actual meal make your tits sweat? Do words like “simmer” and “dredge” make your back fat sweat? Are you the type of individual that could fuck up cheese and crackers?
WELL GOOD NEWS!
I’m here to offer up everything The Food Network and my personal cooking endeavors have taught me.
Below is a list of my current offerings. Don’t see something on the list that you’re looking to fuck around with? Fill out the form and we can work up a good boner together!
LIVE SKYPE LESSONS (COMING SOON)
How would you like to have a virtually live version of myself fucking around with you in your kitchen? It’s now all possible with this deal. Let’s cook some shit and bullshit along the way!
-Live Skype cooking lesson
-Emailed copy of recipe
-20 minute pre-lesson discussion to talk recipe development.
-Copy of recorded Skype lesson
PERSONALIZED VIDEO ($75)
Does the thought of a live Skype lesson make you nervous? Maybe you aren’t a people person. Maybe you have Rocky Dennis face and don’t want to be seen. Whatever the situation this could be your deal! We will discuss the shitty meal you’re looking to master, and you will receive a full-terribly edited video personalized just for you!
-Personalized recipe video
-Written copy of the recipe with photos
PERSONALIZED WRITTEN RECIPE($45) I WILL ADD SOME OLD REQUESTS AS THE COME IN.
Looking to throw together a quick meal in hopes of a sexual favor from the person you’re cooking for? This is your ticket. For a measly 45 shekels, we can discuss the meal your are looking to cook, and I will create and send you a written recipe, developed JUST FOR YOU!
-Detailed written recipe
-A brief summary of the recipe with tips and tricks
-Multiple substitution options in case there are ingredients you fucking hate
-Photo’s of the recipe build(+$25) Yeah I’ll make it myself first before you get it so you’ll know it’s legit as fuck.
IN HOUSE LESSONS ($200)
Are you a MA/CT/RI/NY/VT/NH resident? Want me to show up to your place and fuck shit up with you? Here’s your chance. I’ll show up, we hit the grocery store, strip club, and post office(I don’t know), head back to your place and cook our fucking tits off. Oh, your place is a shit hole and you have no cooking utensils? That’s ok. We can knock this bitch out at my place.
GROUP LESSONS (TBD)
Fill out the form to discuss fuckers.
SOCIAL FOO-DIA CONSULTATION ($100)
Are you a social media fuck up? Do your food posts struggle to acquire likes, comments, and general traffic? Let me be the hand that guides you. We can look at your social media outlets and see where you’re fucking up and build skills to help you grow your online food empire.
-A deep look at the social media outlets you are looking to improve.
-A customized list of detailed methods to use to help grow your brand.
-the sharing of one of your photos on my social media platforms to give you a jump start